Off the Cuff - Carson Kressley [10]
Clogs. One letter away from “clod.” Need I say more?
Anything in patent leather unless it’s black tie. Or you’re a cop. In that case, it’s hot. But don’t get me started.
Doc Martens. Sorry, all you hipsters, but they’re just not polished-looking or classic. They’re big and clunky and look like they’re meant for working in a coal mine. Attention all ravers: Put down the glow sticks and step away from the Doc Martens. Repeat. Step away from the Doc Martens.
Shoes in bright, crazy hues. You’ll look like an ass. Or an elf.
Save it for Vegas or the Christmas pageant.
CHAPTER 2
Underthings UNERWEAR, T SHIRTS, AND NAUGHTY SILK TEDDIES. JUST KIDDING
THERE’S AN OLD ADAGE THAT WOMEN WHO WEAR SEXY UNDERWEAR FEEL SEXY ALL DAY LONG. THE SAME IDEA HOLDS TRUE FOR MEN, as long as you’re not actually wearing women’s underwear, that is. That’s a whole other after school special. But it’s true that everything you put on your body in the morning is going to affect how you feel throughout the day, and if you don’t feel good about what you’re wearing, it will show. So why not start out by making sure you feel good about the very first thing you’ll probably put on in the morning? I mean, it’s going to be up in your Kool-Aid all day, for God’s sake.
Your underwear is just like my teacup Yorkie or your right hand—it’s man’s best friend. You want to make sure it’s comfortable and it’s high-quality. Pulling on those old tattered boxers with the skidmarks or an undershirt with spaghetti sauce on it from a dinner you had during your nanny years will only remind you of that crazy homeless person you saw on your way into work. I want you to aim higher.
The great thing about undergarments is that they’re so very inexpensive. So unless you’re on welfare, there’s really no reason not to get rid of your ratty old ones and treat yourself to a fresh new set once a year—and you can still squander your wealth on other things! And if you are on welfare, pull yourself up by your shirttails, people.
Let’s start off by dispelling the myth that it’s okay not to wear any underwear at all. Freeballing is never the right answer, except maybe for models. I have one word for you: Chafe. And that’s about as much fun as pulling off a fingernail with a pair of pliers. Not a good time.
No matter what kind of underwear you choose to wrap the family jewels in, it should always be 100 percent cotton. There’s a reason they call it the fabric of our lives. It breathes better. It’s more comfortable. It’s easier to wash. Some underwear might have a little bit of Lycra or spandex to give it stretch, which is fine. Keep it to a minimum, though, because that stuff doesn’t breathe as well. You might think that silk underwear is the height of cool, but it so very rarely looks hot on anyone. It usually inspires a giggle, which is not a good thing in the bedroom. So let’s leave the silk undies for the ladies and for our friends in the transgendered community, shall we?
The style of underwear you choose to wear is a very personal decision. Only a few people will see you in this state of undress—your significant other, your doctor, your mom, and perhaps a few bar patrons now and then. (Well, hopefully not your mom, especially if you’re over forty.) So will it be boxers or briefs? Well, I believe that boxers are best left to the young and sexy. (Think of the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. Hold on, let me take a moment to clean myself off.) But a man in boxers who is even slightly overweight or older tends to give off a granddad, nursing home vibe. Save that look for your assisted living years.
Many of you might think that tighty-whitie briefs are the answer. I hate to burst your happy little bubble, but there’s nothing like a grown man walking around in tightywhities to deflate your libido. The ladies know this, and so do I. Now, depending on how lucky you are, you may need extra support while you’re working out or playing sports, and that might be the only time it’s appropriate