Off the Cuff - Carson Kressley [13]
And now we come to one of the pressing questions of our times: How high should your socks be? A good quality dress sock should always be long. They shouldn’t be as long as control-top panty hose, of course, but they should always be long enough to go well up to your calf. I do not want to see the gap between your sock and your pants when you cross your legs. First of all, your pants will hopefully not be that short to start with. (Clam diggers are always the wrong answer.) Your socks should also be able to stay up without Levitra. If your socks are falling down around your ankles, making you look like you have elephantiasis, or you’re wondering where you can find yourself a good pair of sock garters like your great-grandfather Ebenezer wore, it’s time to get new socks. High-quality socks of the proper length should come up to your calf and stay there.
The only exception to that rule is the athletic sock, which is a fluffy white cotton sock to be worn with an athletic shoe at the gym. Period. These socks should be shorter. You don’t want to look like a jackass with big tall tube socks up to your knees like Kristy McNichol in Little Darlings. It’s not 1979, people.
Socks and Underwear
Ronald McDonald, Mickey Mouse, or any character underwear. If there’s any chance that the character on your underwear is also on your seven-year-old nephew’s underwear, steer clear.
Banana hammocks
Flesh-colored socks
100 percent nylon socks
Toe socks
Women’s hosiery
Socks that make noise (e.g., play “Jingle Bells” or your college fight song) or light up. In fact, any sock that requires a battery should be avoided.
CHAPTER 3
The Devil Wears Pleated Khakis THE WIDE WORLD OF PANTS, SHORTS, AND SWIMWEAR
WE COULD TALK ABOUT PANTS ALL DAY LONG. BUT EITHER WAY, IT’Simportant that you know how to cover your ass . . . without making an ass of yourself. This chapter will get you through the trauma of finding pants, shorts, and swimwear.
In most work environments, it’s not just casual Friday anymore—it’s casual Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. If you’re not wearing a suit every day, regular pants are going to be the foundation of your wardrobe. That also means they’re not the place to get crazy. You can have fun with your shirts, throw on a tie or a sweater or a snappy sport coat. That’s all great. But when it comes to pants, it’s always better to keep it simple.
Before we go even one step further, we need to talk about pleats. I’m on a mission to eradicate pleated pants in America. Pleats are always the wrong answer, except for a few very specific exceptions that I’ll get to in a minute. I don’t care who you are—short, tall, big, or small—there’s never a reason for pleats, and even after seventeen gimlets, you won’t convince me otherwise.
I understand why you might think that pleats work best for you. Here’s why they don’t.
MYTH # 1 Wearing pleated pants will camouflage a spare tire. That is just not true. All pleats do is add extra fabric and bulk to your midsection, so they can actually increase the width around your middle. They don’t hide a spare tire, they just draw unwelcome attention to that area. News fuh-lash! You are not fooling anyone, big guy!
MYTH # 2 Pleats are roomier. Well, pleated pants are technically roomier, but that’s deceptive. Pleats create a little more roominess below the waist, which only encourages you to put too much stuff in your pockets and look even bulkier. Men in pleated pants look like they’re retaining water. Or they’re the Michelin Man. Not so much my favorite looks. Pleats also give more room for ugly lumps and bulges, and there’s only one bulge we want to see. And even then I don’t want to see your bulge. Let’s leave some mystique for the ladies, shall we?
The moral of the story is that a plain, flat-front pant will always look more sophisticated and cleaner than a pleated pant. Flat-fronts give a slimming effect—there’s not as much fabric clinging and pulling. Even if you’re a little overweight,