Seriously_.I'm Kidding - Ellen DeGeneres [37]
What was I saying? Oh right—negative thoughts. Get rid of ’em! I did! You know what a wise person once said? “Why pay full price for a sweater when you can steal it for free?” You know what another wise person once said? “Happiness is a journey, not a destination.” Amen, sister friend!
Let me break that down for you so it’s easy to understand. Happiness is a journey. This means that happiness is like a long car ride. Let’s say you’re in a car and you’re driving to Hawaii. Sure, it seems like Hawaii, your destination, is going to be the happiness part. But really, the car ride is the happiness part because of all the fun games you can play in a car and all the stops you can make at beautiful public toilet areas, not to mention how fun it would be to drive on top of the ocean. Be happy on your journey to Hawaii so that once you get there you can be miserable. Wait. I don’t know if that’s right.
However you choose to live your life, just try to enjoy it as much as you can. Fill yourself with joy. (Not the dishwashing liquid.) And accept what life throws at you—the good, the bad, the ugly, the awkward, the fun, the boring, the sweet, the sour, the salty, the ripe, the unripe… I’m sorry, I have to be right back. I just got really hungry.
Magic
I love magic. I’ve had a lot of magicians and illusionists perform on my show and I am always in awe of what they can do. I actually learned a mind-reading trick and I thought I would try it out on you if you’d like.
All you have to do is think of a number. Any number.
Are you thinking of it?
Okay, say it out loud.
Now turn the page.
That’s what I was thinking of.
Ahhh! Isn’t that freaky?!
Girl Power
The bra. Disposable diapers. Wite-Out. A medical syringe. Windshield wipers. Chocolate chip cookies. Spanx.
What do all of these things have in common? They’re all in my shopping cart right now. Shoot. I must have taken someone else’s cart by accident. I hate when that happens.
Well, anyway. Do you know what else these things have in common? They were all invented by a woman. Not the same woman. They were each invented by different women over the course of the last hundred years or so. (That would be incredible if the same woman invented all of those things. What an eclectic and potentially unstable person that would be!)
And those are just a few of the things that female ladies have invented. The list goes on and includes things that have become staples in our everyday lives, like the car heater, the dishwasher, the electric washing machine, and perhaps one of the greatest inventions of our time, the trash can with a foot pedal. We take so many of these things for granted and yet without the women who invented them, we would be cold, filthy people with soiled dishes, disgusting cans, and unruly breasts.
I’m very proud to be a woman. I’ve been one my whole life. And I know that without the amazing and inspiring women who came before me, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I grew up admiring strong, funny women like Lucille Ball and Carol Burnett. Barbara Walters, Diane Sawyer, and Oprah Winfrey paved the way for me to be doing exactly what I’m doing. Oprah paved the way with actual gold because she had some left over from when she paved her driveway.
And now that I have my own show on television I feel a sense of responsibility to follow in their footsteps and have a positive influence on the young girls and women who watch me every day. That’s why I keep things light and upbeat and it’s why I try to have powerful and influential women on my show to serve as examples for the people at home. I love having women like Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton on my show. I also love having regular, everyday women on my show with inspiring stories about their personal journeys. And one time I had a woman on who could bend over backward and put a hat on her head using only her feet. If that’s not inspiring, I don’t know what is.
My show is targeted to women. I know men watch, too, and I’m