The Artemis Fowl Files - Eoin Colfer [19]
My father always taught me to do what’s right, no matter what the cost. And that’s what I do. Rules are important, but the right thing is more important. Sometimes that got me in trouble at school. I can never keep my mouth shut if I see someone being bullied or punished unjustly. It’s just the way I am.
What was your favorite subject at school?
I loved virtual school. You get to put on a V-Helmet and travel through history. Those helmets are amazing—they even have special air filters so you can smell the period you are studying.
What do you really think of Artemis Fowl?
I’m of two minds about Artemis. Half of me wants to hug him and the other half wants to throw him in a cell for a few months to teach him a lesson. For all his brains, Artemis does not understand the consequences of his schemes. Every time he sets off on an adventure, someone seems to get hurt. And Butler is not always going to be around to save him. And I’m not always going to be around to save Butler.
What are your hobbies?
I read a lot. Mostly the classics—Horri Antowitz is a good author, and Burger Melviss. I like a good thriller. I also like crunchball and I play in the police league. I’m the second dunker, which can really take it out of a girl.
What is your most treasured possession?
I still have the Recon acorns given to me by Commander Root himself. No matter how many medals and promotions I earn, the first acorns are still the best.
What keeps you awake at night?
Some nights I lie awake and think about what the humans are doing to the planet. And I wonder how long it will be before they find out about us. Some nights, if I’m feeling a bit paranoid, then I swear I can hear human crafts over my head. Digging. Burrowing.
Who is your best friend?
Tough one. I’m going to have to go for two: Foaly and Captain Trouble Kelp. They have both saved my life more than once. And they stuck by me in the bad times, when everyone else had written me off as a failure.
What are your three top tips for being a successful bodyguard?
Train hard: there is no substitute for knowledge. Listen to your sensei: they have the experience that you need. Be prepared to sacrifice everything for the job.
You are very close to your younger sister, Juliet. Were you pleased that she wanted to follow in your footsteps, and do you think she will make a good bodyguard?
I was hoping that Juliet would pick another profession. Juliet has too much life in her to smother inside a bodyguard’s uniform. I think that my little sister may still decide to pick a less dangerous profession, like wrestling.
What is your most treasured possession?
My most treasured possession is etched into my skin. It is a blue diamond tattoo from Madam Ko’s Bodyguard Academy. I was the youngest-ever graduate of the academy and this tattoo gives me access to circles most people don’t even know exist. It’s like carrying a resumé on your arm.
What is your favorite book?
I don’t have much time to read. Artemis’s schemes keep me on my toes. Mostly I read helicopter manuals and keep an eye on weather reports and current affairs. If I do have a moment to myself, I do enjoy a good romance story. If you tell a soul, I will hunt you down.
What is your happiest childhood memory, and why?
I still treasure the days that I spent as a teenager teaching my babysister how to do spinning kicks in her sandbox.
What is your favorite song?
I like the Irish band U2 . Their song “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” could have been written for Master Artemis.
What is your favorite film?
I don’t like shoot-’em-ups; they remind me too much of real life. I like a good romantic comedy. It takes my mind off the stress of my job. My all-time favorite is Some Like It Hot.
Where is your favorite place in the world, and why?
My favorite place in the world is by Master Artemis’s side, wherever that might be. One thing I know for sure is that wherever we are, it will not be boring.
Bodyguards have to be very brave. What scares you?
All bodyguards