The Artemis Fowl Files - Eoin Colfer [20]
Do you ever regret taking up a life of crime?
I don’t think of it as crime. I think of it as redistribution of wealth. I am only taking back from the humans what they stole from us in the first place. So, no, I don’t regret my criminal past, just getting caught. Anyway, I’m going straight from now on. Honest.
All dwarfs are particularly prone to wind, which could be embarrassing for a Mud Man. What was your most embarrassing moment?
Dwarfs are prone to attacks of wind, which is not embarrassing as such, as it is only natural. However, in my chosen profession, loud bursts of wind can be a bit of a set back. I was almost through to the main hall in the Louvre once when a particularly violent blast set off the motion sensors. They were laughing about that for years in the Atlantis Correctional Facility.
What makes you the happiest?
Dwarfs are never happier than when they are tunneling. As soon as we take that first mouthful of soil, we feel at home and safe. In truth, I think that dwarfs as a species are closer to moles than humans.
What was your proudest moment?
I was very proud of the time when I single-handedly saved Artemis and Holly from certain death at the Eleven Wonders Exhibition in the Lower Elements—but I can’t tell you too much about that yet, as I gather the adventure has yet to be released on the surface.
You’ve got into many scrapes during your adventures with Artemis Fowl. What was your scariest moment?
I must admit to being petrified that time below Fowl Manor when I had just dived into my tunnel and Butler caught me by the ankles. Believe me, an enraged Butler is the last person you want dragging you anywhere. Obviously this happened before we became friends.
What do you really think of Artemis Fowl and Butler?
I like the Irish kid. I really do. We have the same interest: gold. We have worked together on the Fei Fei project, and I can see a long future of cooperation.
Captain Holly Short, Commander Julius Root, or Foaly: who do you like the most and why?
Not Julius, that’s for certain. I respect him , yes, but like? I don’t think anyone really likes Julius, except his officers—they would all die for him. Heaven knows why. I would have to say that Holly is my favorite. She has saved my hairy rear on a couple of occasions, but it’s not just that. Holly is that rarest of creatures—a loyal friend. And you don’t come across many of those.
What advice would you give a young dwarf?
Firstly, always chew your rocks before swallowing. They pass through easier that way, and your teeth need the roughage. And secondly, never eat the same dirt twice if you can avoid it.
What is your favorite place above or below the earth, and why?
There is a field in county Kerry in Ireland, where the soil is pure and chemical-free. I like to dig myself a little hole about twenty feet down and listen to the sea crash against the rocks two fields over.
Which invention are you proudest of?
It’s hard to pick just one invention—I have registered more patents than any other fairy in history. If I had to pick one, I would say the time-stop towers: a set of five portable towers that allow the LEP to store the time-stopping abilities of several warlocks in battery form, then generate their own time-stop wherever they need to. Ingenious, if I do say so myself. These little towers have got us out of more than one scrape, including the siege of Fowl Manor.
Who or what inspires you?
I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and inspire myself. But other than myself, my main inspiration is the pixie Opal Koboi. Opal is criminally insane, but she has a fine grasp of engineering and economics. Her Doubledex wing design revolutionized solo flight, and every time she has made an advance I was spurred on to better it.
What are your top three tips to becoming an inventor?
Invent things that people actually want. Keep your thoughts to yourself until