The Artemis Fowl Files - Eoin Colfer [21]
What are your hobbies?
When I am not in the lab, I like to read articles about me or to watch video footage of my speeches from scientific conventions. I have lately taken up line dancing.
What is your favorite memory?
I remember the exact moment when my quick thinking put an end to the goblin revolution. If it hadn’tbeen for me, everyone in Police Plaza would shed their skin twice a year. But was I given a medal? Was there a statue erected in the square? No. There’s gratitude for you.
What was your favorite subject at school, besides science?
I always fancied myself as a bit of an artist. I abandoned this dream when my art teacher told me that my landscapes were flatter than an ironed sheet of rice paper. This, I presume, is not a good thing. I was crushed and never picked up a brush again.
What keeps you awake at night?
My ideas keep me awake, and the thought that someone else will patent them before I can. I keep a computer fired up beside my bed in case something comes to me in the half-conscious between waking and sleeping.
Most treasured possession?
I own a collection of foil hats. One for every occasion. I have discovered an artisan, who decorates my hats with clever designs. Last week I noticed two other technicians wearing foi hats. I think I may have started a trend.
Which Mud Man do you most admire?
I admire the Sicilian environmentalist Giovanni Zito. He is one of the few humans who is actually trying to make the world a better place. If the rest of the world adopted his solar wind-farm technology, emissions would be down by seventy percent in ten years. If only Zito had Artemis Fowl’s brains.
Who is your best friend?
My best friend under this Earth is the elf Holly Short. Weare both work aholics and so do not see as much of each other as we would like, but some how she always makes time for me, especially when work is getting me down. Whenever I am close to smashing a computer in frustration, I look up and see Holly at my elbow waving a carrot. A special elf.
Why are you harder on Captain Holly Short than you are on other Recon officers? And why were you so against female officers joining Recon?
I was not against female Recon officers, as such, I was just doubtful that they could make the grade. I’m happy to say that Holly proved me wrong, and now there are six other female candidates for Recon in the pipeline. I was hard on Holly because I had read her psych report, and I knew my attitude would make her more determined to pass the initiation. Naturally, I was right.
What was your proudest moment?
My proudest moment was when Captain Short shut down the goblin rebellion. I had put a lot of faith in that elf, and she didn’t let me down.
What makes you laugh out loud?
Nothing. I rarely smile, hardly ever chuckle, and I haven’t laughed out loud in 200 years. It’s bad for discipline—and if anyone says they have heard me laughing out loud, I want their name and rank.
You and Foaly seem to have a love/hate relationship. What do you really think of him? Love/hate?
Well, you’re half right. Most of the time, I want to drop-kick that smug centaur out of my building. But I will admit, grudgingly, that his gadgets do come in useful on occasion. If they didn’t, he would be out of a job in a heartbeat.
What are your top three tips for being a great LEPrecon officer?
One: listen to your commander—he is always right. Two: ignore all hunches, unless suggested by your commander, who is always right. Three: if in doubt, call your commander. The one who is always right.
If you hadn’t been an LEP commander, what would you have liked to be?
I always fancied myself as a landscape gardener, or a mime artist. Are you crazy? The LEP is the only job for me. If it didn’t exist, I’d have to invent it.
What was your favorite subject at school, and why?
I always liked history, especially military tactics. By the age of six I knew exactly what King Frond