The Contrast [14]
courting a great while, and folks say as how we are to be married; and so I broke a piece of money with her when we parted, and she promised not to spark it with Solomon Dyer while I am gone. You wouldn't have me false to my true-love, would you?
JESSAMY
May be you have another reason for constancy; possibly the young lady has a fortune? Ha! Mr. Jonathan, the solid charms: the chains of love are never so binding as when the links are made of gold.
JONATHAN
Why, as to fortune, I must needs say her father is pretty dumb rich; he went representative for our town last year. He will give her--let me see--four times seven is--seven times four--nought and carry one,-- he will give her twenty acres of land--somewhat rocky though--a Bible, and a cow.
JESSAMY
Twenty acres of rock, a Bible, and a cow! Why, my dear Mr. Jonathan, we have servant-maids, or, as you would more elegantly express it, waitresses, in this city, who collect more in one year from their mistresses' cast clothes.
JONATHAN
You don't say so!--
JESSAMY
Yes, and I'll introduce to one of them. There is a little lump of flesh and delicacy that lives at next door, waitress to Miss Maria; we often see her on the stoop.
JONATHAN
But are you sure she would be courted by me?
JESSAMY
Never doubt it; remember a faint heart never-- blisters on my tongue--I was going to be guilty of a vile proverb; flat against the authority of Chester- field. I say there can be no doubt that the brilliancy of your merit will secure you a favourable reception.
JONATHAN
Well, but what must I say to her?
JESSAMY
Say to her! why, my dear friend, though I admire your profound knowledge on every other subject, yet, you will pardon my saying that your want of oppor- tunity has made the female heart escape the poignancy of your penetration. Say to her! Why, when a man goes a-courting, and hopes for success, he must begin with doing, and not saying.
JONATHAN
Well, what must I do?
JESSAMY
Why, when you are introduced you must make five or six elegant bows.
JONATHAN
Six elegant bows! I understand that; six, you say? Well--
JESSAMY
Then you must press and kiss her hand; then press and kiss, and so on to her lips and cheeks; then talk as much as you can about hearts, darts, flames, nectar, and ambrosia--the more incoherent the better.
JONATHAN
Well, but suppose she should be angry with I?
JESSAMY
Why, if she should pretend--please to observe, Mr. Jonathan--if she should pretend to be offended, you must-- But I'll tell you how my master acted in such a case: He was seated by a young lady of eighteen upon a sofa, plucking with a wanton hand the blooming sweets of youth and beauty. When the lady thought it necessary to check his ardour, she called up a frown upon her lovely face, so irresistibly alluring, that it would have warmed the frozen bosom of age; remem- ber, said she, putting her delicate arm upon his, re- member your character and my honour. My master instantly dropped upon his knees, with eyes swimming with love, cheeks glowing with desire, and in the gen- tlest modulation of voice he said: My dear Caroline, in a few months our hands will be indissolubly united at the altar; our hearts I feel are already so; the favours you now grant as evidence of your affection are favours indeed; yet, when the ceremony is once past, what will now be received with rapture will then be attributed to duty.
JONATHAN
Well, and what was the consequence?
JESSAMY
The consequence!--Ah! forgive me, my dear friend, but you New England gentlemen have such a laud- able curiosity of seeing the bottom of everything;-- why, to be honest, I confess I saw the blooming cherub of a consequence smiling in its angelic mother's arms, about ten months afterwards.
JONATHAN
Well, if I follow all your plans, make them six bows, and all that, shall I have such little cherubim conse- quences?
JESSAMY
Undoubtedly.--What are you musing upon?
JONATHAN
You say you'll certainly
JESSAMY
May be you have another reason for constancy; possibly the young lady has a fortune? Ha! Mr. Jonathan, the solid charms: the chains of love are never so binding as when the links are made of gold.
JONATHAN
Why, as to fortune, I must needs say her father is pretty dumb rich; he went representative for our town last year. He will give her--let me see--four times seven is--seven times four--nought and carry one,-- he will give her twenty acres of land--somewhat rocky though--a Bible, and a cow.
JESSAMY
Twenty acres of rock, a Bible, and a cow! Why, my dear Mr. Jonathan, we have servant-maids, or, as you would more elegantly express it, waitresses, in this city, who collect more in one year from their mistresses' cast clothes.
JONATHAN
You don't say so!--
JESSAMY
Yes, and I'll introduce to one of them. There is a little lump of flesh and delicacy that lives at next door, waitress to Miss Maria; we often see her on the stoop.
JONATHAN
But are you sure she would be courted by me?
JESSAMY
Never doubt it; remember a faint heart never-- blisters on my tongue--I was going to be guilty of a vile proverb; flat against the authority of Chester- field. I say there can be no doubt that the brilliancy of your merit will secure you a favourable reception.
JONATHAN
Well, but what must I say to her?
JESSAMY
Say to her! why, my dear friend, though I admire your profound knowledge on every other subject, yet, you will pardon my saying that your want of oppor- tunity has made the female heart escape the poignancy of your penetration. Say to her! Why, when a man goes a-courting, and hopes for success, he must begin with doing, and not saying.
JONATHAN
Well, what must I do?
JESSAMY
Why, when you are introduced you must make five or six elegant bows.
JONATHAN
Six elegant bows! I understand that; six, you say? Well--
JESSAMY
Then you must press and kiss her hand; then press and kiss, and so on to her lips and cheeks; then talk as much as you can about hearts, darts, flames, nectar, and ambrosia--the more incoherent the better.
JONATHAN
Well, but suppose she should be angry with I?
JESSAMY
Why, if she should pretend--please to observe, Mr. Jonathan--if she should pretend to be offended, you must-- But I'll tell you how my master acted in such a case: He was seated by a young lady of eighteen upon a sofa, plucking with a wanton hand the blooming sweets of youth and beauty. When the lady thought it necessary to check his ardour, she called up a frown upon her lovely face, so irresistibly alluring, that it would have warmed the frozen bosom of age; remem- ber, said she, putting her delicate arm upon his, re- member your character and my honour. My master instantly dropped upon his knees, with eyes swimming with love, cheeks glowing with desire, and in the gen- tlest modulation of voice he said: My dear Caroline, in a few months our hands will be indissolubly united at the altar; our hearts I feel are already so; the favours you now grant as evidence of your affection are favours indeed; yet, when the ceremony is once past, what will now be received with rapture will then be attributed to duty.
JONATHAN
Well, and what was the consequence?
JESSAMY
The consequence!--Ah! forgive me, my dear friend, but you New England gentlemen have such a laud- able curiosity of seeing the bottom of everything;-- why, to be honest, I confess I saw the blooming cherub of a consequence smiling in its angelic mother's arms, about ten months afterwards.
JONATHAN
Well, if I follow all your plans, make them six bows, and all that, shall I have such little cherubim conse- quences?
JESSAMY
Undoubtedly.--What are you musing upon?
JONATHAN
You say you'll certainly