• Choose a category
• All
• Classic-Fiction

By Root 311 0

the back of my hand, and I could walk through them blindfolded, guided only by the lovely scents and sounds meticulously crafted by those brilliant Imagineers. There’s a comfort in being there, like returning home. Except that when I actually do go back to my childhood home, everything has changed. They tore down the forests I used to play in, paved over the pond I fished in, and repainted my house bright pink. Nothing is familiar, nothing is comforting. But for the most part Walt Disney World stays the same, always providing the sights, sounds, and smells that immediately bring me back to a more carefree time in life. And when it doesn’t stay the same, when the company fucks up, like when Horizons was torn down, at least I’m not the only one grieving; there are thousands of others across the world to commiserate with.

It should also be known that I’m a huge fan of Walt Disney himself, devouring any and all documentaries and biographies I can find about the man. I’m consistently finding inspiration in his life story, his determination against all odds, and his visionary, forward-thinking outlook not only on family entertainment, but on the human experience and the future of mankind. From viewing his final EPCOT film and reading his final interviews, it seems as if he was ready to completely redefine city living, in a real paradigm-shifting game-changing sort of way. I believe he could have done it, too, could have pulled it all together just as he’d achieved the impossible countless times before, and I feel for Roy Disney and Card Walker for having to pick up the pieces, desperately trying to make something out of them without their leader at the helm. It’s a shame that what we ended up with in Kissimmee is a Walt Disney World only half-finished, only half-perfect. But half of perfection is still pretty fucking awesome.

So, no, I don’t have some big grudge against Disney, and the purpose of this book is not to try to destroy the company or dissuade people from visiting their theme parks. Quite the opposite, in fact; I wrote this book hoping to provide a definitive answer the assholes who always ask, “You’re going there again?! Why do you keep going to that kiddie place?” and then shake their heads while they head back to Aspen or Vegas for the 80th time for their “adult” vacations.

Honestly, I have to admit that I once thought this way, too. No matter how big of a fan-boy I was, by age 16 or so I was bored as hell with WDW, having already visited the (at that time) three parks over 100 times. So I started experimenting with “alternative activities” every time I got dragged back there, and began to gather some of the tips in this book. This really came to a head when I was in college, running the campus television station, and desperate for content to fill our 24/7 programming roster. I was going home for Spring Break, and had a brilliant idea: I’d go to WDW and film all of the crazy shit my friends and I had been doing there for years, and then broadcast it on the station as a multi-part documentary. And thus was born the first incarnation of THE DARK SIDE OF DISNEY, complete with a CGI Tinkerbell lookalike shoving her magic wand into some guy’s ass in the opening credits (meant as an homage to the Tinkerbell in the Disney Sunday Movies intro). I received no feedback, and to be honest, even though it was broadcast to every dorm on campus at least 200 times, I’m still not sure anyone watched the damn thing. I mean, what college kid in his right mind gives a shit about Walt Disney World? Most of them only cared about sex, drugs, and rock and roll… which I did, too, just as long as they took place at WDW. And I’m only half joking, unfortunately…. I didn’t get laid much in college!

Regardless, as much as I love Walt Disney World, if it weren’t for the tips in this book, I wouldn’t go back nearly as often as I do. There are only so many times you can ride Space Mountain before it starts getting boring, but riding it on ‘shrooms while getting a handjob is a totally different experience! So what we have here are at least 20