The Definitive Book of Body Language - Barbara Pease [97]
Graham's Story
Graham was a man who developed a skill that most men would kill to have.
He would attend a social function and somehow quickly scope out the available women, make his choice, and, in almost record-breaking time, would be seen heading toward the exit with her, escorting her to his car, and driving back to his apartment. He would return to the function and repeat this process, sometimes several times in the same evening. He seemed to have a built-in radar for finding the available women at the right time and getting them to go with him. No one knew how he did it.
Research by animal courtship behavior zoologists and behavioral scientists reveals that male and female animals use a series of intricate courtship gestures, some obvious and others subtle, and that most of this is done subconsciously. In the animal world, courtship behavior in each species follows specific and predetermined patterns. For example, in several species of bird, the male struts around the female giving a vocal display, puffing up his feathers, and performing many intricate body movements to gain her attention, while the female appears to display little or no interest. This ritual is similar to that performed by humans when courtship begins.
Human flirtation involves sequences of gestures and expressions not unlike the courtship dances of birds and other animals, as seen on wildlife programs.
The bottom line is that when a person wants to attract the opposite sex, they do so by emphasizing sexual differences. To discourage the opposite sex, we play down or hide these differences.
Highlighting gender differences is
what makes a person look “sexy.”
Graham's technique was first to spot women whose body language indicated they were available and then to respond with his own male courtship gestures. Those who were interested would return the appropriate female signals, giving him the nonverbal green light to proceed to the next stage.
The success women have in intimate encounters is directly related to their ability to send courtship signals to men and to decode those being sent back. For a man, success in the mating game relies mainly on his ability to read the signals being sent to him, as opposed to being able to initiate his own moves. Most women are aware of courtship signals, but men are far less perceptive, often being completely blind to them, which is why so many men have difficulty finding potential mates. Women's difficulty in finding partners is not about reading signals, it's more about finding a man who'll match their criteria.
Graham somehow knew exactly what to look for and women would describe him as sexy, masculine, humorous, and “someone who makes me feel feminine.” This was their reaction to the constant attention he'd give them and the courtship signals he used. Men, on the other hand, described him as aggressive, insincere, arrogant, and not particularly funny— their reaction to the competition Graham represented. Consequently, Graham had few male friends for obvious reasons—no man likes a potential rival for the attentions of his woman. This chapter is devoted to the female signals Graham could see and to the body language he used in return.
Why Women Always Call the Shots
Ask any man who usually makes the first move in courtship and he will invariably say that men do. All studies into courtship, however, show that women are the initiators 90 percent of the time. A woman does this by sending a series of subtle eye, body, and facial signals to the targeted man, who, assuming he is perceptive enough to pick them up, responds to them. There are men who will approach women in a club or bar without being sent the green light but, while some of these men are regularly successful with finding partners, their overall statistical success rate is low because they weren't invited first— they're simply playing the numbers game.
In courtship, women call the