The Definitive Book of Body Language - Barbara Pease [98]
the time—men do most of the dancing.
In these cases, if a man detects that his approach will be unsuccessful, he's likely to pretend he's come to talk to her about other unrelated things and he will use corny lines like “You work at the National Bank, don't you?” or “Aren't you John Smith's sister?” To be successful in courtship by playing the numbers game, a man has to approach a lot of women to make a sale—unless, of course, he looks like Brad Pitt. Any man who crosses the floor to chat up a woman has usually done so at her request after picking up her body-language signals. It just looks as if he made the first move because he made the walk across the floor. Women do initiate up to 90 percent of flirtatious encounters, but it is done so subtly that most men think they are the ones taking the lead.
Differences Between Men and Women
Men find it difficult to interpret the more subtle cues in women's body language and research shows that men tend to mistake friendliness and smiling for sexual interest. This is because men see the world in more sexual terms than women; men have ten to twenty times more testosterone than women, which makes them see the world in terms of sex.
To some men, when a lady says “no”she means
“maybe;” when she says “maybe”she means “yes;” but
if she says “yes” she's no lady.
When they meet a possible partner, women send out subtle, but often deceptive, courting signals to see whether he's worth pursuing. Women tend to bombard men with courting rituals in the first minutes of meeting them. Men may misinterpret these signals and make a clumsy pass. By sending erratic and ambiguous signals in the early stages, women manipulate men into showing their hand. This is one reason why many women have trouble attracting men—men become confused and won't make an approach.
The Attraction Process
As with other animals, human courtship follows a predictable five-step sequence that we all go through when we meet an attractive person.
Stage 1. Eye contact: She looks across the room and spots a man she fancies. She waits till he notices her, then holds his gaze for about five seconds and then turns away. He now keeps watching her to see if she does it again. A woman needs to deliver this gaze, on average, three times before the average man realizes what's happening. This gaze process can be repeated several times and is the start of the flirting process.
Stage 2. Smiling: She delivers one or more fleeting smiles. This is a quick half smile that is intended to give a prospective man the green light to make an approach. Unfortunately, many men are not responsive to these signals, leaving the woman feeling that he's not interested in her.
Stage 3. Preening: She sits up straight to emphasize her breasts and crosses her legs or ankles to show them to best advantage or, if she's standing, she tilts her hips and tilts her head sideways toward one shoulder, exposing her bare neck. She plays with her hair for up to six seconds—suggesting she is grooming herself for her man. She may lick her lips, flick her hair, and straighten her clothing and jewelry. He'll respond with gestures such as standing up straight, pulling his stomach in, expanding his chest, adjusting his clothing, touching his hair, and tucking his thumbs into his belt. They both point their feet or entire bodies toward each other.
Stage 4. Talk: He approaches and attempts to make small talk, using clichés such as, “Haven't I seen you somewhere before?” and other well-worn lines that are purely intended to break the ice.
Stage 5. Touch: She looks for an opportunity to initiate a light touch on the arm, either “accidental” or otherwise. A hand touch indicates a higher level of intimacy than a touch on the arm. Each level of touch is then repeated to check that the person is happy with this level of intimacy and to let them know that the first touch was not accidental. Lightly brushing or touching the shoulder of a man is done to give the impression that the woman cares about his health and appearance. Shaking