The Everything Kids' Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers - Michael Dahl [10]
HOW'S BUSINESS?
Astronomer: It's looking up.
Submarine pilot: It has its ups and downs.
Oil rigger: Boring.
Tree doctor: Knot Two bad.
Carpenter: It's leveling off.
Surgeon: I always get a lot out of my patients.
Roofer: Customers are sliding off.
Boat racer: Sails are dropping.
Minister: Prophets are increasingly read.
Farmer: The field keeps growing.
Air traffic controller: Can't come, plane!
Model: The figures aren't all in yet.
Aerobics instructor: I'm reducing the bottom line.
“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”
— Erma Bombeck
Beekeeper: Business is humming.
Car mechanic: Planning to re-tire.
Pizza chef: Making dough hand over fist.
Miner: Roughly carving out a living.
Highway worker: A bit bumpy.
Ballet dancer: Keeps me on my toes.
Teacher: Sorry, but that's classified information!
Jokin' Around
The Money Drop, or The Buck Doesn't Stop Here
Take out a crisp 1-dollar bill and hold it in your right hand. Let it hang down from your thumb and forefinger. Place the fingers and thumb of your left hand loosely around the bill without touching it. Let go of the bill with your right hand and catch it in your left hand. Don't grab it until the right hand has completely let go.
Show this little movement to your friends and bet them they can't catch the bill.
Again, hold the bill in your right hand. Let them (one at a time, of course) place their left hand loosely around the hanging bill. Tell them to catch the bill after you let go. Say, “If you can catch the falling bill, it's yours to keep.”
They can't do it!
Why? In the time it takes your friends' eyeballs to register that the bill is falling, and for their brain to send out a second message to their hands telling them to grab, the bill has already dropped from their grasp. Gravity works too fast in this case, faster than human reflexes.
The reason you are able to catch the bill is because your brain knows when you are about to release the bill. Your friends, however, don't have that “insider” information.
Tips: The bill should be crisp. If it is not new, fold a crease in the bill lengthwise.
Instruct your friends not to grab the bill until they see you let go.
After practicing this trick, try it with a 10- or 20-dollar bill (if you dare!).
HAVING A BALL
What has 18 legs, spits, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
Why did the football coach rip apart the pay telephone?
He was trying to get his quarterback.
“The great comics and comedians have been the ones who dared to mix comedy with tragedy.”
— Robin Tyler
(Who does Tyler think are great comics? Charlie Chaplin, Carol Burnett, Lily Tomlin, and Richard Pryor.)
Which football team travels with the most luggage?
The Packers.
What dessert should basketball players never eat?
Turnovers.
Which college team has the tallest players?
O-HIGH-O State.
Fullback: I'm sick, Coach. The doctor says I can't play football.
Coach: I don't need a doctor to tell me that!
Why is bowling cheaper than playing golf?
Because in bowling, no matter how badly you play, you can never lose the ball!
“What do you call your dad when he water skis in the winter?”
“A Popsicle.”
“What does your mom call him?”
“Crazy!”
“Did you hear about the scuba diver who heard music underwater?”
“Was it a singing fish?”
“No, a coral group.”
A college star fullback played with his team for 12 years!
He could run and tackle — he just couldn't pass.
What do you call a basketball player's pet chicken?
A personal fowl.
What do you get when a soccer player kicks a duck?
Someone who foots the bill.
Did you hear about the football coach who got his teeth knocked out?
He was showing a new player how to kick the ball. He held it on the ground and said, “Now when I nod my head, kick it!”
Golfer: Young man, why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddie: This isn't a watch. It's a compass!
Did you hear about the billionaire who bought his kid 10 new golf clubs?
Each of them comes with a swimming pool and a private parking lot.
What is the quietest sport in the