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GAGS AND GIGGLES

The dim-witted terrorist was sent out to blow up a car. He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.

Two boys went to the movies. After the film had already started, they both got up and walked to the concession stand for some popcorn and soda pop. When they walked back into the darkened theater, one of the boys said to a man sitting on the aisle, “Excuse me, sir, but did we step on your toes on the way out?”

“You certainly did,” said the man.

The boy turned to his friend and said, “Okay, this is our row.”

There was the poor shoe salesman who had pulled out half of his stock, trying to find the perfect shoe for a young girl.

Words to Know

Gag: a laugh-provoking remark, trick, or prank

“Do you mind if I sit and rest a moment?” he asked her. “Your feet are killing me.”

A snooty young woman was put off by a man begging for money.

“Are you satisfied walking the streets like this and asking for handouts?”

“No, ma'am,” said the beggar. “I wish I could use a car.”

Harry and his friends went deer hunting one fall. The first morning they all split up and disappeared into the woods. After lunch, Harry spotted one of his friends coming out of the woods.

“Where's the rest of the guys?” asked Harry, excitedly.

“They're at the cabin,” said his friend.

“All of them?” asked Harry.

“Yeah, all of them.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Harry, I'm sure,” said his friend. “Why do you keep asking?”

Harry had a big smile. “Boy, is that a relief. That means I shot a deer!”

Once the flood was over, Noah opened up the Ark and released all the animals back onto dry land. After the last animal had bounded off to freedom, Noah trudged wearily inside the ship to start the long chore of cleaning up. To his surprise, he noticed two snakes coiled up in a corner.

“Why are you two still here?” asked Noah.

One of the snakes answered, “Well, sir, you told us to go forth and multiply.”

“Yes, indeed,” said Noah.

“We can't multiply,” said the snake. “We're adders.”

A vampire took a vacation on a cruise ship. The headwaiter asked if he'd like to check out their menu.

“No thanks,” said the vampire. “But do you have a passenger list?”

Gretchen: Why are you feeding your chickens boiled water?

Karl: I want them to lay boiled eggs.

Max: There's just one thing that would make you look even better than you do now.

Dot: What's that?

Max: Distance.

Did you hear about the knothead who fell down the elevator shaft?

When he gained consciousness he yelled, “I said UP!”

Rosie: Do you think my painting is any good?

Bill: In a way.

Rosie: What kind of way?

Bill: Away off.

A fellow walks into a hotel and asks for a room.

“We don't have any rooms,” said the clerk. “We're full up.”

“But I've been to every other hotel in this town,” said the man. “They're all full. Are you sure you don't have any room somewhere?”

“I already told you,” said the clerk. “No available room.”

The man thought a moment then said, “If I were the president of the United States would you have a room for me?”

“Yes,” said the clerk. “If you were the president.”

“Well, give me his room, then,” said the man, “Because he's not coming.”

Did you hear about the rich kid whose father told him, “Son, I'm sorry, but tomorrow I need the limousine and chauffeur for work.”

“But, Pop,” said the kid, “how will I get to school?”

“Like every other normal kid in America,” said the father. “You'll take a cab.”

A prisoner on his way to the electric chair was asked if he had any last requests.

“I'd like some strawberries,” says the prisoner.

“Strawberries?” says the guard. “They're not in season for six months yet.”

The prisoner says, “Fine. I'll wait.”

“We saw the Grand Canyon in ten days.”

“That's a long vacation.”

“Yeah, it took us five days to drive through and another five to refold the maps.”

How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

“Are you sure you've ridden a horse before?”

“Oh yes.”

“Then what kind of saddle would you like?

With a horn or without?”

“I'll take the one without a horn. I doubt if I'll run into much