The Everything Kids' Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers - Michael Dahl [13]
You heard what Noah told his son when they went fishing?
“Easy on the bait, son, we only have two worms.”
A newspaper reporter was interviewing a gnarled, wrinkled, white-haired farmer as he sat quietly rocking on his front porch.
“Sir,” said the reporter. “I'd like to know the secret of your long life.”
“Well, son,” replied the farmer. “I drink a gallon of whisky, smoke ten cigars, and stay out partying every night of the week.”
“That's amazing,” said the reporter. “And how old are you?”
“Twenty-six.”
“The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.”
— Friedrich von Schiller (1783)
Jokin' Around
Bottom's Up
Bet your friends or family that you can drink from a soda pop can without opening it or tampering with it in any way. They'll think you're nuts! But you can prove them wrong.
Take a soda pop can and then turn it over. All aluminum pop cans have a slight indentation on the bottom. You can easily fill this indentation with water (or with pop from a different can). You'll be able to sip your drink from the can's bottom without opening it or tampering with it.
Tip: When making the bet, be sure to tell them that you will “drink from a can” and not “drink out of a can.” The words are important. Say the wrong thing and your friends and family can trip you up, and you'll be forced to eat — or drink — your own words!
Mother: Honey, ask the butcher if he has calf's tongue.
Jimmy: Why ask? I'll just wait until he opens his mouth and look.
Mother (looking at the meat display): Jimmy, can you tell if the butcher has pickled pig's feet?
Jimmy: No, I can't. He's wearing shoes.
“Did you hear the news? They rescued a man from the swamp this morning whose foot was bitten off by an alligator!”
“Which one?”
“Who knows? All alligators look the same.”
Have you heard about that new dog food?
It tastes like a mail carrier.
A rookie cop got bawled out by his sergeant after working his first stakeout.
“How could you let that crook escape?” yelled the sergeant. “I told you to keep an eye on all the exits.”
“I did, Sarge. He must have gone out one of the entrances.”
Did you hear about the weirdo who went to see a movie at the drive-in theater called
Closed for Repairs?
THE WORLD'S SEVEN BEST LIMERICKS
There was a young lady named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She went out one day
In a relative way
And came back on the previous night.
There was a young fellow of Crete
Who was so exceedingly neat,
When he got out of bed
He stood on his head
To make sure of not soiling his feet.
There was a young lady of Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
The bottle of perfume that Willie sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent.
Her thanks were so cold
That they quarreled, I'm told,
'Bout that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.
Words to Know
Limerick: a light or humorous verse with a specific rhythm and rhyme scheme
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned so what could they do?
Said the fly, “Let us flee,”
Said the flea, “Let us fly,”
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
A certain young man named Bill Beebee
Was in love with a lady named Phoebe
“But,” he said, “we must see
What the clerical fee be
Before Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.”
There once was a maid from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When they questioned her why,
She replied, “Because I
Like to squeeze as many syllables into the concluding line of the limerick as I possibly can.”
FUN FACT
BRIEFLY FUNNY
Limericks have been making people laugh for over a hundred years. But funny stuff can always be improved on. Comic poet Ogden Nash invented a streamlined, or mini version, of the Limerick called the Limick.
An outlaw from Spain
Fled to Paris by train
Where he jumped in the river —
They found him in-Seine.
A fellow from Hutton's,
The grandest of gluttons,
Makes room for dessert
By popping his buttons.
It's Rhyme Time
Add the missing letter in each of the following words to make