The Everything Kids' Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers - Michael Dahl [14]
SIGNS ON THE DOTTY LINE
Signs found hanging on the doors of …
An Astronaut: OUT TO LAUNCH
A fencing instructor: OUT TO LUNGE
A nuclear Scientist: GONE FISSION
A music Teacher: GONE CHOPIN, BE BACH SOON
A dance instructor: BACK IN A MINUET
A car mechanic: ON A BRAKE
A chiropractor: BE RIGHT, BACK!
A surgeon: JUST CUT OUT
A dog trainer: WILL RETURN IN FIVE MINUTES. SIT. STAY.
A nudist colony: WE'RE NEVER CLOTHED
A dentist: OPEN WIDE
Bye Bye
Which sign did the eye doctor leave on her door when she went on vacation?
LAUGHING STOCK
“Does your family own a cat?”
“No, why?”
“I thought I heard it meowing last night.”
“That's just our dog. He's been listening to foreign language tapes.”
Jenny: Doctor, I have a problem. I love Bermuda shorts.
Doctor: Lots of people love Bermuda shorts.
Jenny: With mustard and relish?
“I got a role in the new Tarzan movie. Boy, you should have seen all the crazy animals we had to work with.”
“Were you the star?”
“No, but when the lion got loose and chased the cast, I was the leading man!”
“The best humor is the most obvious. When the audience has to stop and think too hard about a punchline, the punch is lost.”
— Thom Melcher
Harold and Stanley were brothers. Harold went on a business trip and asked Stanley to look after his pet kitten. The first night of his trip, Harold phoned his brother and asked how little Buttons was doing.
“Buttons is dead,” said Stanley, flatly.
Harold was appalled. “Stanley! That's no way to tell me bad news.”
“How should I have told you?” asked Stanley.
“Break it to me gently,” said Harold. “Little by little. You could have said that Buttons was up on the roof. Then say you had to call the fire department. Then say the ladder wasn't long enough. Then tell me that Buttons tried to jump. And then you could have said he was in the hospital. And that he was growing weaker and weaker. That he stopped eating. Then, eventually, you could have told me that poor Buttons died.”
“Sorry,” said Stanley. “I'll know better next time.”
“All right,” said Harold. “By the way, how's Mom?”
“Well, she's up on the roof.”
A miser won the lottery with a ticket he bought — $1,000,000! But he still seemed depressed. “What's wrong?” asked his neighbor. The miser sighed and said, “When I think of the dollar I wasted buying this other lottery ticket.”
Joey: Yuck! This is the worst tasting apple pie I ever had!
Waiter: What does it taste like?
Joey: Glue!
Waiter: Then that's the pumpkin pie. The apple pie tastes like mud.
Mother: Billy, what is all that grass doing sticking out of your pockets?
Billy: The worms in there have to eat something, don't they?
Troop Leader: Do you know how to make a fire with just two sticks?
Cub Scout: Yes, sir. As long as one of the sticks is a match.
My poor sister had an awful time of it. First she got arthritis and rheumatism. And after that she got appendicitis, tonsillitis, and then pneumonia. They even had to give her hypodermics. Whew! I didn't think she'd ever make it through that spelling contest!
Five-year-old Kevin came running down the stairs, wailing and weeping. “What ever is the matter?” asked his mother. “I was upstairs with Daddy,” said Kevin. “He was putting up pictures. And he hit his thumb with the hammer.” The mother grinned. “That's all right, honey. Your daddy is a grown-up man. He doesn't let something like that worry him. And you shouldn't either. You should have just laughed.” Then Kevin sobbed, “I did!”
My doctor believes in shock therapy. That's why he sends me his bill!
“Excuse me, could you tell me the fastest way to get to the hospital?”
“Stand in traffic.”
“I was thinking of attending the time-management workshop.”
“When does it start?'
“Oh, fivish, sixish.”
“A person without a