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— Henry Ward Beecher

A man walked into an antique store. It was filled with beautiful furniture, fine old paintings, and housewares of silver and crystal. Nothing caught his eye. As he turned to leave, however, he noticed the owner's cat licking milk out of a delicate china saucer. The man knew at a glance that the saucer was priceless, and he figured the stupid owner didn't realize what a treasure was sitting just beneath his nose.

The man casually struck up a conversation with the owner.

“Nice cat you got there.”

“Thanks,” said the owner. “He's a good cat, but I never seem to have enough time for him.”

“Hmmm, would you be interested in selling him?” asked the man.

“Sure, if you're serious,” said the owner.

“You can have him for five bucks.”

“Deal.”

The man paid his five dollars, then picked up the cat and headed toward the door. “Oh, by the way,” said the man, turning around. “You probably wouldn't mind if I just took that old milk saucer would you? The cat seems to like it.”

“Are you kidding?” grinned the man. “That saucer has helped me sell seventy cats in the last month!”

“I'm on that new Japanese diet.”

“How does that work?”

“You're only allowed to use one chopstick.”

A doctor walks into a hospital room and stands next to the bed of his patient.

“Mister Cooper, I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What is it, Doc?”

“The bad news is that we have to amputate both your feet.”

“That's horrible! What's the good news?”

“The patient in the next bed wants to buy your shoes.”

Picto-Laugh #3

A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about Mexican hats and exercise!

First Scientist: I discovered the perfect cure for dandruff.

Second Scientist: What is it?

First Scientist: Baldness.

Years ago, a huge ship was passing through a thick fog. Suddenly, up ahead, it saw a bright and unexpected light. The ship signaled:“Veer off!”

The reply: “You veer off!”

The captain of the ship became furious. He told his signal man, “Tell that idiot to veer off! Doesn't he realize this battleship is heading his way?”

The signal man obeyed the command and then waited for a reply.

“Well, what did he say?” asked the angry captain.

The signal man answered, “Well, sir, he says, ‘Don't you realize this lighthouse is heading your way?’”

Harold got a summer job painting yellow stripes down the middle of the highway. The first day he did an excellent job and painted a strip a mile long. But the second day he painted only half a mile. And the third day Harold painted even less.

Finally, his angry boss told him, “Harold, you're slacking off! Each day you paint less and less.”

Harold replied, “I know. But each day it gets longer and longer to walk back to that bucket!”

Love to Laugh

A good joke can make you laugh out loud or quietly to yourself. See if you can fill in five different kinds of laughs. We left a couple of L-A-U-G-H-S to help you.

“I don't have a penny to my name.”

“Are you gonna get a job?”

“No, I'm gonna change my name.”

Did you hear about the elephant hunter who hurt his back?

He was carrying decoys.

A miser walks into a dentist's office and asks the dentist how much he charges for pulling a tooth.

“Thirty bucks,” said the dentist.

“Here's five,” said the miser. “Just loosen it a little.”

A young girl entered the courthouse and registered for a name change.

“What's your name now?” asked the clerk.

“Betty Stinks,” said the girl.

The clerk laughed for almost a full minute. “I can understand why you'd want to change it,” the clerk finally said. “What are you changing it to?”

“Elizabeth Stinks.”

First Fisher: Is this a good lake for fish?

Second Fisher: It must be. I can't get any of them to come out.

Two cars, driving from opposite directions, met in the middle of a narrow bridge that was wide enough to let only one car pass at a time.

The first motorist rolled down his window, stuck his head out, and yelled,