The Everything Kids' Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers - Michael Dahl [16]
The second driver put his car in reverse and yelled, “That's all right. I always do!”
Picto-Laugh #4
A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about Mexican hats and breakfast!
“I want to see Dr. Braun.”
“He's not here at the moment. But I'm sure Dr. Wilson could help you.”
“I don't want Dr. Wilson. I want Dr. Braun.”
“Then you'll just have to wait.”
“Fine. How long?”
“Two weeks. Dr. Braun just left on his vacation.”
A mother raced into a doctor's office, pulling her son along behind her. “Tell me, Doctor,” she said, “can a ten-year-old boy take out a person's appendix?”
“Don't be ridiculous,” said the doctor. “Of course not.”
“See, Jimmy? You heard the doctor. Now go put that right back!”
Jimmy: This is the slowest train I've ever been on! Conductor, can't you run any faster?
Conductor: Sure I can. But I have to stay on the train.
Larry: Why don't we fall off the earth and go shooting through space?
Perry: The law of gravity.
Larry: Then what did we do before that law was passed?
A young girl walked into a clothing store with her mother. “I'd like to try on that dress in the window,” she said.
“Well, young lady,” said the clerk, “we'd prefer that you use one of our dressing rooms.”
Jimmy: How's your new job on the construction site?
Derek: Awful! After one week, I'm through with it!
Jimmy: What for?
Derek: Lots of reasons. The constant complaining, the laziness, the sloppiness, the bad language. They just wouldn't put up with it anymore!
It's Joke Time!
Draw a line from each riddle to the clock that shows the correct answer. HINT: It helps to read the time on each clock aloud.
PUNDEMONIUM
I heard on the news that a nuclear scientist accidentally ate some uranium, and now he has atomic ache! “How's your sister coming along with her new jigsaw puzzle?”
“She can't figure it out. I'm afraid she's going to pieces.”
Did you hear they fired the cross-eyed school teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils.
Did you hear about the lobster that bought a new car?
It was a crustacean wagon.
“Does your brother have a job?”
“He works at the hospital as a night orderly.”
“Oh, a pan-handler, huh?”
Words to Know
Pun: the humorous use of a word in such a way as to suggest two or more of its meanings or the meaning of another word with a similar sound
Doctor: Have your eyes ever been checked?
Kyle: No, they've always been blue.
What did one Moroccan boy say to the other?
“I can't remember your name, but your fez is familiar.”
A misshapen ogre made his living by ringing the bells at a famous cathedral in France. One day the ogre lost his footing on the roof of the cathedral and plummeted 200 feet to his death in the courtyard below. Two priests rushed to the ogre's side. The first priest asked, “Is that the Hunchback of Notre Dame?” The second priest replied, “No, but he's a dead ringer.”
Tyler: My dad is so strong, he can hold up several cars at once using one hand.
Brian: What does he do?
Tyler: He's a policeman.
Brian: Big deal! My dad is a lot stronger. He can hold up an entire bank by just handing a little note to the teller.
What's the best way to avoid falling hair?
Jump out of the way!
Dottie was having trouble learning her directions, especially the difference between north and south. So her mother tried a little quiz. “Dottie, if you were standing with your back to the east, and your face to the west, what would be on your right hand?''Dottie said, “Four fingers and a thumb.”
Teacher: My goodness, Amy! You've been burping all morning.
Amy: It must have been those belchin' waffles I ate for breakfast.
Matty: We learned today that people who live north of the Arctic Circle eat whale meat and blubber.
Mary: I'd blubber too if that's all I had to eat.
Mom: Amy, what are you doing home from school so early?
Amy: The teacher asked me how far I could count, so I counted all the way home.
“My aunt always nagged my uncle to buy her a Jaguar.”
“Did he ever get one?”