The Everything Kids' Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers - Michael Dahl [17]
“Yeah, then it ate her up!”
Circus Clown: How do you like your new job?
Trapeze Artist: I'm finally getting the hang of things.
How do you measure a dog's temperature?
By pedigrees.
Some know-it-all once said that the pun was the lowest form of humor. Then a modern comic added, “unless you happen to make it yourself!”
I feel sorry for the two lighthouse keepers.
Their marriage is on the rocks.
Young earthworm: This dirt tastes terrible.
Mother earthworm: I don't understand. It was fresh ground this morning.
You heard about the glass blower who inhaled?
He got a pane in his stomach.
What did the Cub Scout say when he fixed the horn on his bike?
Beep repaired!Why does your dog go round and round before he lies down?
He's a self-winding watchdog.
A music store was robbed last night. The burglar broke in, stole a drum, and beat it! Why is that woolly sheep scratching itself?
Because it has fleece.
“Comedy is the new rock-and-roll.”
— Janet Street-Porter
Teacher: Alex, why are you brushing your teeth during class?
Alex: I want to be ready for the oral exam.
Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race?
They ended in a tie.
That movie was terrible. I've seen a better film on dirty teeth.
Why did the bank robber flee to the nudist colony?
That's where he had his hide out.
What do you see when the smog clears in southern California?
U.C.L.A.
What part of a car is responsible for causing the most accidents?
The nut located behind the wheel.
CLUELESS KIDS
They think that …
An octopus is a cat with eight paws.
A polygon is a parrot who flew from its cage.
An amoeba is a small prison, because it only has one cell.
Peanut butter is a baby billy goat.
Shell-shock is when you accidentally drop an egg.
“Doctor, can you help me? I keep thinking I'm a packet of biscuits.”
“Biscuits? Oh, you mean those little square packets you crumble up for your soup?”
“Yes, exactly.”
“Then you must be crackers!”
Picto-Laugh #5
A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about the color pink!
“You look awful, Stanley. Flu?”
“Yeah, and crashed!”
I read that Tibet is the noisiest place on earth.
Everywhere you look it's Yak, Yak, Yak!
Did you hear about the Siamese twins who went to Prague for major surgery?
They came out as separate Czechs.
“This report card should be underwater!”
“Because it's so wet?”
“No, because it's below “C” level!”
What happened to the origami store that used to be on the corner?
It folded.
An inexperienced hunter was deep in the woods and kept following a set of tracks — until the train ran him over!
Fill Me In
Color in all the shapes with exactly three sides to find the answer to this riddle: Why did Silly Billy throw a stick of butter out the window?
Why did Silly Billy throw a stick of butter out of the window ?
Karl: Darn, I left my watch back up on that hill.
Ben: Should we go up and get it?
Karl: Nah, it'll run down by itself.
Gretchen: Every morning my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods.
Heather: Sounds delightful.
Gretchen: Yes, but the tramp is getting real tired of it.
At a fancy hotel, a man walks in and asks the desk clerk, “Do you take children?”
“No sir,” replied the clerk. “Only checks and American Express.”
The farmer came in from the barn and said to his wife:“I shot the cow.”
“Was he a mad cow?”
“Let's just say he wasn't too happy about it.”
A once-famous rock star told her friend, “The last time I made an appearance at that night-club, I drew a line five blocks long.”
Her friend asked, “Did they make you erase it?”
“I think I have a good head on my shoulders.”
“You sure have a point there.”
Why do you keep a sun lamp in your lunchbox?
It's a light lunch.
FUNNY BUSINESS
Did you realize that if 3M and Goodyear ever merged they could call themselves MMMGood?
And if Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Nabisco Crackers ever joined forces, they would be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
A PUN-OPLY FOR PUN LOVERS
Here's an alphabetical