The Everything Kids' Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers - Michael Dahl [18]
bull
carrawitchet
clinch
crotchet
figary
flim
jerk
liripoop
pundigrion
quarterquibble
quillet
quirk
sham
whim
If you always have a pun up your sleeve that you can't wait to try out on your friends, you are said to be “liripoopionated.”
And if you pun way too much, your friends can accuse you of “quibble-ism.”
NUTS FROM THE FAMILY TREE
Mother: What's the best way to discipline children?
Father: Start at the bottom.
Ashley: Everyone says I got my good looks from my father.
Jason: Oh, is he a plastic surgeon?
“My older brother thinks he's a chicken.”
“You should take him to a doctor.”
“Why? We need the eggs.”
Mother: Darling, will you still love me when my hair is gray?
Father: Why not? I loved you through those five other colors.
At the airport, Mother turned to Father and said, “I sure wish we had brought the television with us.”
“Why is that?” asked Father.
“Because I left the plane tickets on it.”
“We got a dog for my little brother.”
“I wish my Dad would let me make a trade like that.”
Karl and Ben went out hunting. They were just bedding down in their tents one night when a huge snarling bear lumbered into their campsite. Karl quickly knelt down and started lacing up his sneakers.
“What good will that do?” shouted Ben. “You can't outrun a bear.”
Karl replied, “I only have to outrun you!”
A very proud grandmother was walking through the park, pushing her two grandchildren in a stroller. A young woman walked by and said, “My, what fine looking little boys. They must be your grandsons.” “Yes they are,” said the grandmother. “How old are they?” asked the younger woman. “The lawyer is three and the doctor is two.”
Jason: What's it like having a twin sister?
Megan: It's just like being an only child. Except twice.
“Mom, guess what? I won the election for class president!”
“Honestly?”
“Did you have to bring that up?”
“Humor has to come in under cover of darkness, in disguise, and surprise people.”
— Garrison Keillor
“Dad, where is yesterday's newspaper?”
“Your mother wrapped the garbage in it and threw it away.”
“Darn, I wanted to see it.”
“There wasn't much to see. Just some old egg cartons and dogfood cans and apple cores and …”
“My dad used to write for TV. He wrote The Jeffersons, The Hughleys, and The PJ's.”
“Did they ever write back?”
“I can always tell when my big brother is lying.”
“How's that?”
“He moves his lips.”
“What are you having for dinner tonight?”
“Reruns.”
“Reruns?”
“Yeah, leftover TV dinners.”
“My brother made a right turn from the left lane and crashed into another car. The other driver jumped out and yelled at my brother.
Why didn't you signal? he asked.”
“What did your brother say?”
“He said, ‘Why should I signal? I always turn here.’”
My Dad is a real pessimist. He just opened up a new Chinese restaurant and he only sells misfortune cookies.
“Doctor, my sister thinks she's an elevator.
Can you help her?”
“Have her come up to my office.”
“I would, but she doesn't stop at your floor.”
“George Washington's parents were really thoughtful.”
“What makes you say that?”
“They made sure their kid was born on a holiday.”
Troy: Mom! Megan said I was dumb.
Mother: Megan, apologize to your brother!
Megan: Okay. I'm sorry you're dumb.
“My sister loves to eat.”
“What's her favorite food?”
“Seconds.”
Troy: Your piano playing stinks!
Megan: Well, for your information, that piece I was playing is very difficult.
Troy: Too bad it's not impossible.
“My brother is connected with the police.”
“How's he connected?”
“With handcuffs.”
Alex: My dad lost his wallet with over three hundred bucks in it.
Troy: Wow!
Alex: And he's offering a reward of twenty dollars to whoever finds it.
Troy: I'll give you thirty.
Three comedians were asked which is funnier: a witty line or someone slipping on a banana peel. Fran Lebowitz and Ellen DeGeneres both said that falling down is funnier. Lily Tomlin said it “depends on who's doing the slipping.