• Choose a category
• All
• Classic-Fiction

Amy: Dad, the landlord is here for the rent.

Father: Tell him I'm not home.

Amy: I can't lie like that!

Father: All right, I'll tell him myself.

Alex: Mom, I think it's time I got an allowance.

Mother: How about I give you double what I give your little brother, Matt?

Alex: But Matt gets zero allowance.

Mother: Okay, so I'll give you triple.

A young boy was telling his teacher all about the new addition to his family. “And every night,” complained the boy, “little Kevin wakes everyone up with his crying.”

“Well, he's just a wee little thing,” said the teacher.

“No,” said the boy. “He's a wee-wee thing. That's why he's crying.”

Mother: Why did you kick your little brother in the stomach?

Jimmy: He turned around.

Teacher: How do you make antifreeze?

Rosie: Steal her blanket.

The real-estate agent told the family, “I'll be honest with you. This house has its good points as well as its bad points.”

“What are the bad points?” asked the father.

“Just north of here is a toxic waste dump. And just south is a huge hog farm.”

“What are the good points?” asked the mother.

“You can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”

In the middle of a sweltering summer afternoon, the Thomas family was entertaining out-of-town guests. When supper was ready, the father asked the youngest son to say the blessing.

The boy whispered to his father, “But what do I say?”

The father replied, “Just say what you've heard me say before.”

So the boy bowed his head and said in a loud voice, “Oh Lord, why in heaven's name did I ever invite these people on a hot day like today?”

Jimmy: My sister thinks I'm too nosy.

Troy: Did she tell you that?

Jimmy: No, that's what I read in her diary.

“What are you drawing, honey?”

“A picture of God.”

“But no one knows what God looks like.”

“They will when I'm finished with this.”

“My brother has laryngitis, so he's talking with his hands.”

“Is that why he's snapping his fingers?”

“Yeah, he has the hiccups.”

Danny: Guess what, Dad? Mom backed the car out of the garage and ran right over my new bike.

Father: That'll teach you to leave it parked out on the front lawn.

“Young man, there were two cookies in the jar last night, and this morning there is only one.

How do you explain that?”

“It was so dark, I guessed I missed it.”

My mom gets carsickness every month — when she looks at the payment.

Mother: Rosie! Why did you fall in the mud puddle with your new dress on?

Rosie: There wasn't time to take it off.

Father: I think our son must get his brains from me.

Mother: Probably, because I still have all mine.

Matt: Dad! The dog just ate the pie Mom finished baking.

Father: That's all right, son, don't worry. We'll get you a new dog.

Did you hear about the nervous father who is pacing up and down in the hospital lobby, waiting to hear about the birth of his first child? Finally, after several hours, the nurse arrives. The father runs up to her and asks, “Nurse, tell me, is it a boy?” The nurse says calmly, “Well, the middle one is.”

Mother: Boys, stop fighting! Who started this anyway?

Nick: Matt started it when he hit me back.

Aunt Missy: Do you know what an opera is, Rosie?

Rosie: Yeah, it's where someone gets stabbed and instead of bleeding they sing.

A grandmother took her little five-year-old grandson with her shopping. At one point in the store the little boy said loudly, “I have to go pee-pee.” The grandmother shook her head and said, “No, dear. When you need to use the bathroom you say that you have to whisper. All right?”

That night the five-year-old woke up at midnight and toddled into his parents' bedroom. “Daddy,” he said, tugging on his father's arm, “I have to whisper! I have to whisper!”

The father sleepily turned over on his side and said, “All right, son. Go ahead and whisper right in my ear.”

PICTO-LAUGH #6

A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about a game of hide-n-seek!

“My sister ran the hundred-yard dash in five seconds.”

“That's impossible! The