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“She knows a short cut.”

“Do you have to make so much noise when you eat?”

“Our teacher told us to start the day with a sound breakfast.”

Ben: Why are you jumping up and down?

Karl: I just took some medicine, and the bottle said to shake well.

“You sure take your car in for lots of repairs.”

“I know, my dad is always braking it.”

Mother: Why are you standing in front of the mirror with your eyes shut?

Melody: I want to see what I look like asleep.

Rhyming Riddles

Draw a line to match each riddle to the proper picture.

It keeps you nice and very neat — has lots of teeth, but cannot eat.

It runs all night, and runs all day, but never, ever runs away.

Sits on the table by your plate and cup — if it falls down, it might stick up.

Sometimes curly, sometimes flat — it's over the head and under a hat.

“My dad only eats at the finest restaurants.”

“How do you know that?”

“You should see our silverware.”

Father: Go right up to your room and straighten it.

Jimmy: Is it crooked?

Jokin' Around

The Woman on the Bus

A woman was riding the bus down-town with her new baby.

A rude passenger sitting across the aisle took one look at the woman and her baby and said, “That's the ugliest baby I ever saw in my life. Looks just like a monkey.” The woman was so upset that she quickly got off the bus at the very next stop. She walked over to a park bench, sat down, and started crying.

A young man walking by noticed the poor woman. “What's wrong?” he asked her. But the woman was too upset to tell him. It was a hot day out, so the man walked over to a convenience store and a few minutes later returned to the park bench.

The young man handed the woman a can of soda pop. “It's so hot out, I thought you might like this,” he said. The woman gratefully accepted his offer. “Thank you very much,” she said. Then the man reached into his pocket. “Here, take this,” he said. “I bought a banana for your monkey, too.”

“Why aren't you sharing your scooter with your little brother?”

“I am, Mom, half and half. I use it on the way down the hill, and he has it on the way up the hill.”

Heather: I just finished giving my kitten a bath.

Tracy: Does she mind it?

Heather: No, she likes it. But afterwards it always takes me a while to get rid of the fur on my tongue.

Mother: What a dirty face! Your Aunt Missy won't kiss you like that.

Alex: That's what I figured.

Mother: What's your little brother yelling about?

Sandy: I don't know. I let him lick the beater after I made peanut butter fudge. Maybe I should have turned it off first.

A young boy, taking a vacation cruise with his parents, turned green with seasickness.

“Are you sure you don't want dinner, honey?” asked his mother.

The boy shook his head and replied, “Just throw it overboard, Mom, and save me the trip to the railing.”

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LOSER WHEN …

Your ship comes in and you're at the train station.

Your talking mynah bird says, “Who asked you?”

Your twin forgets your birthday.

Your parents attend PTA meetings under an assumed name.

Your answering machine hangs up on you.

SPOONERISMS

The Reverend William Archibald Spooner (1844–1930) of Oxford University in England was famous for getting his tongue tied. Instead of saying “Our Lord is a loving shepherd,” Spooner called him a “shoving leopard.” Instead of sitting on a “stone bench,” he'd relax on a “bone stench.” Spoonerism is now the name we give a gag or phrase where the first letters of a word are exchanged for another. Below are some of the Reverend's sillier blunders.

He whispered to a young man in an overcrowded church: “Excuse me, sir, but you're occupewing my pie. May I sew you to another sheet?”

He told a tardy student: “You have hissed all my mystery lectures!”

To a group of farmers, he started a speech by saying: “I have never before spoken to so many tons of soil.”

After performing a wedding ceremony, he then instructed the nervous groom: “It is kisstomary to cuss the bride.”

Words to Know

Spoonerism: a phrase where the first letters