The Everything Kids' Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers - Michael Dahl [21]
Here's a few more tongue stumblers:
“I need to buy a new can of oderarm deunderant.”
“This fog is as thick as sea poop.”
“Drinking lots of coffee always weeps me a cake.”
“In New York Harbor, my uncle supervises all the bug totes.”
“While I run into the shandy cop, would you keep your buy on my icicle?”
What's The Difference?
These riddles ask you to tell the difference between two things. The answer is always a pair of words. When you read the words one way, they describe the first thing in the riddle. When you switch the pair of words around, they describe the second thing! See if you can choose the correct pairs of words that will complete each riddle. Write your answers in the spaces provided. The first one has been half done for you!
What's the difference between a rain gutter and a clumsy baseball player?
(One catches drops, and the other .)
What's the difference between a fake dollar bill and a crazy rabbit?
(One is , and the other is a .)
What's the difference between a jail warden and a jeweler?
(One , and the other .)
What's the difference between a sneaky student and a mouse?
(One is a , and the other is a .)
What's the difference between a bowl of moldy lettuce and a depressing song?
(One is a , and the other is a .)
What's the difference between a healthy rabbit and a bad joke?
(One is a , and the other is only a .)
PAIRS TO CHOOSE FROM:
sells watches
cheesy eater
drops catches
bad salad
fit bunny
mad bunny
watches cells
sad ballad
bad money
easy cheater
bit funny
A SPONERFUL OF TEA (A TRUE STORY)
The Reverend Spooner met a stranger while strolling through the university grounds one evening.
Spooner: Come to my place for tea tomorrow, young man. We're having a welcome party for the new math professor.
Stranger: But I am the new math professor.
Spooner: That's all right. Come anyway.
SPONER'S BUG
Q: What spoonerism has become a common word that refers to something we see during the summer months?
A: Butterfly. The insect was once known as a flutter-by, named for its fluttery, delicate movement.
Comic Biography
Goldwyn Said It First
On the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, Americans have their own M.C., or Master of Confusion. His name is Sam Goldwyn (1882–1974), a hot-headed movie producer whose verbal blunders have passed into legend.
Include me out.
I can answer your request in two words: Im-possible.
I'll give you a definite maybe.
Don't talk to me when I'm interrupting.
I never liked you, and I always will.
This new atom bomb is dynamite! I don't pay any attention to him. I don't even ignore him.
Our comedies are not to be laughed at.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
NUN OF THAT
A new nun joined a special order where all the sisters had to take a vow of silence. Only two words were allowed each sister per year. After the first year, the Mother Superior asked the newest nun how things were going.
“Bad food,” said the nun.
The next year the Mother Superior asked the nun the same question.
“Hard beds,” said the nun.
At the end of the third year, the nun walked up to the Mother Superior and said, “I quit!”
“Well I'm not surprised,” said the Mother Superior. “Ever since you got here you've done nothing but complain.”
“That is the best — to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.”
— Gloria Vanderbilt
Nun: Remember, young lady, we are in this world to help others.
Melody: Okay, but what are the others here for?
Quick Draw
These funny drawings show the names of three common things. Can you guess what each is?
WAY-OUT OUT WEST (COWBOY JOKES)
A cowboy was riding his horse one day when he accidentally got thrown off. The quick-thinking horse pulled the cowboy to a shady oasis, propped him up against a tree, and then galloped off for help. He soon returned with some folks from a neighboring town, including a doctor. The doctor and the others brought the cowboy into town and nursed him back to full health.
A week later, when the cowboy