The Everything Kids' Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers - Michael Dahl [22]
“Aw, he ain't that smart,” said the cowboy. “The doctor he brung with him was a vet.”
A cowboy bought a beautiful new horse. The salesman told him that the horse's former owner had been a famous preacher.
“This horse is very religious,” said the salesman. “And he only responds to special commands. For instance, instead of saying Giddy-up, you say Praise the Lord. And instead of telling him to Whoa! you say Hallelujah. Got that?”
“Praise the Lord and Hallelujah,” nodded the cowboy.
Weeks later, the cowboy was riding through unfamiliar territory. Gorges and cliffs fell hundreds of feet on either side of the trail. The cowboy wanted to stop and take a rest, but he confused the two words the salesman had taught him.
“Praise the Lord,” the cowboy said, but the horse kept on galloping faster and faster. The cowboy saw that the trail up ahead ended in a dangerous cliff. He tugged and pulled at the reins even harder and yelled, “Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!” but the horse continued to race toward the cliff.
All at once, the cowboy remembered the right word.
“Hallelujah!” he cried.
The horse immediately stopped, mere inches from the crumbling edge of the cliff.
The cowboy breathed a sigh of relief and pulled off his hat, wiping the dust from his eyes.
“Praise the Lord,” he said.
Jokin' Around
Turtle Soup
Three little turtles, who lived in the same house together, were having Sunday dinner. They each sipped their own bowl of soup.
“This soup would sure taste better with some bread,” said the first turtle.
“We're all out of bread,” said the second turtle.
“Well, I'm not going to the store,” said the third, and littlest, turtle. “If I go, you two will eat my soup.”
The other two turtles promised him they would never touch his soup. “Go to the store and hurry back,” said the first turtle. So the littlest turtle reluctantly walked out the door.
Minutes stretched into hours. Hours stretched into days. A week later, the turtles were still waiting for their friend to return from the store with the bread.
The first turtle said, “I don't think he's ever coming back. We might as well go ahead and have his soup.”
Just then, the littlest turtle poked his head back inside the door. “See?” he said. “I knew if I left you guys would eat my dinner!”
MONEY IS ONLY PAPER
Tallulah Bankhead (1903–1968) was a flamboyant actress known for her generosity as well as for saying whatever popped into her head. Once when Tallulah was using a lady's bathroom, sitting in a stall, she realized there was no toilet paper.
She called over to the next stall, “Have you any toilet paper, darling?”
“No, I'm afraid not.”
“Hmm, any tissue paper?”
“Sorry, no.”
Tallulah paused and then asked calmly, “Have you two fives for a ten?”
A NUTTY CRIME
A judge had three young boys come before his bench.
The first boy said, “All I did, Your Honor, was break a window, wreck someone's bike, and throw peanuts in the lake.”The second boy said, “Me too, Your Honor. I only broke a small window, wrecked a friend's bike, and threw peanuts in the lake.”
The third boy said, “All I did was break a window and wreck a bike.”
The judge turned to the third boy and said, “Didn't you throw peanuts in the lake?”
The boy said, “I'm Peanuts.”
MORE NUTS
A man walks into a fancy bar and orders a glass of wine. It's early evening and the bar has only a few customers.
The man hears a voice next to him say, “Nice tie.” The man looks around, but there is no one sitting nearby. He figures he must be hearing things.
He takes a sip of wine and hears, “I like that suit you're wearing.” Again, the man swivels around on his chair but sees no one.
Another sip of wine and the man hears, “That blue shirt really brings out your eyes.”
“Okay!” says the man. “That does it! What's going on, and who keeps talking to me?”
The bartender, unfazed, looks over at the man and says, “It's just the peanuts, mister. They're complimentary.”
FUN FACT
PRETTY