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Father: Yes. But that was over an hour ago.

Mother: Well, he just phoned from the store and wants to know how big the duck is.

“I think the best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.”

— Frank A. Clark

Teacher: Does anyone know what it means to recycle?

Amy: That's when I have to ride my older sister's bicycle instead of getting a new one.

Store Manager: Ma'am, I've shown you every type of perfume we carry. Isn't there anything you'd like to buy?

Mother: Sorry, but your prices don't make any scents to me.

Troy: Our family just bought us one of those furry, Chinese dogs.

Jimmy: Chow?

Troy: No thanks, I just ate.

Jimmy: Well, our family bought one of those skinny greyhound types of dog.

Troy: Whippet?

Jimmy: Oh no! I only pet it.

Megan: I think our dog likes shopping.

Jason: How can you tell?

Megan: We just got back from the flea market, and he's itching to go back.

Oops!

Draw a line to match each “OOPS!” to the proper picture.

“I'm on the new seafood diet.”

“Is it working?”

“Yeah, whenever I see food, I eat it!”

Jimmy: My mom says our kitchen floor is so clean we could eat off it.

Troy: Cool! At our house only the cat is allowed to do that!

“I hate that snobby Christina. Because of her I lost a hundred pounds.”

“Wow! What did she do?”

“Stole my boyfriend.”

“Doctor, my ear keeps ringing.”

“You should get an unlisted ear.”

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

“Bugs give me the creeps!”

“What about spiders?”

“No way! I don't even like looking at them.”

“Then it's a good thing you didn't see that one crawl into your shoe.”

Trent: Hey, Jimmy, why didn't you stick around for the second act of the school play last night?

Jimmy: Because on the program it said “Two Years Later” and I had to be home by nine.

“Can I have a dollar for a sandwich?”

“If you like, but it probably won't taste very good.”

Didja hear about the farmer who bought a farm a mile long and an inch wide? He's raising spaghetti.

“This is the toughest sponge cake I ever ate.”

“That's funny, the sponges I used were fresh.”

The classroom was full of noisy and wild misbehaving students. The new teacher tried getting their attention, but the class continued to ignore him. Finally, in a last attempt to get the students to listen, the frustrated teacher shouted out: “Excuse me, people. But can anyone tell me what we use our ears for?” One boy remarked: “We mostly use our rears for sitting down on.”

Karl: What was all that noise a moment ago?

Trent: That was me practicing my violin. Do you think I have a gift for playing?

Karl: No, but I'll give you one for stopping!

There's just one hard thing about parachute jumping.

The ground.

“She sure gave you a dirty look.”

“Who?”

“Mother Nature.”

Teacher: What does it mean when the barometer is falling?

Trent: It means whoever nailed it up didn't do a good job.

Megan: I think my mom must be the strongest person in the world.

Troy: Why do you say that?

Megan: Because everyday she picks up my entire room using only her bare hands.

Jimmy: Mom! Amy fell down the stairs!

Mother: Don't worry, honey. The doctor's taking steps to treat her.

“Will this road take me to Bakersville?”

“No, you'll have to drive there yourself.”

Why did the weirdo throw the clock out the window?

Only a weirdo would throw a clock out the window!

Dad: Son, if you were out in the country, far from here, and only had a compass, how would you use it to find your way back?

Jimmy: Easy. I'd sell it for a few bucks and then buy a bus ticket home.

Troy: How much is that puppy?

Store Clerk: He's $50 or nothing.

Troy: Okay, I'll take him for nothing.

Neighbor: Young man, your cat was digging around in my garden!

Jimmy: I promise he'll never do that again.

Neighbor: How can you be so sure?

Jimmy: He was only burying your hamster he caught last night. But he's finished up by now.

“I can always tell when it's time for a snack.”

“How?”

“My big hand is on the cookie jar and my little hand is inside.”

When is it