The Everything Kids' Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers - Michael Dahl [26]
When he gets in your car.
Megan: What kind of fish is that, Mister?
Pet Store Owner: Crappie.
Megan: Really? He looks fine to me.
Jimmy: We got a brand new roof and it didn't cost us a cent!Megan: Why not?
Jimmy: The carpenters told us it was on the house.
Where's the best place to find cows?
At a moo-see-'em.
Teacher: You have to be the most annoying student I ever had!
Alex: Do I have to be?
“Can you help me? I'm looking for the bus station.”
“Is that thing lost again?!”
Father: Did you know the Anderson's dog can actually play video games?
Jimmy: He's not so smart. I played five games with him once, and he only won twice.
Two bank robbers were making their getaway in a stolen car.
“Turn around and see if the cops are following us,” said Joe.
“But how can I tell if they're cops?” asked Bill.
“From their flashers,” said Joe.
“Okay.” So Bill turned and looked out the back window. “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no …”
“Did you forget you were supposed to call me last night?”
“I don't remember.”
“My sister never helps clean up the down-stairs family room.”
“Why not?”
“She says working in the basement is beneath her.”
Amy: What kind of jeans are those?
Rosie: Guess.
Amy: I have no idea.
Rosie: I told you: Guess.
Amy: I simply asked what kind they are.
Rosie: Guess! Guess!
Amy: You don't have to be rude about it!
“Mom! You know that red light you just drove through? It's following us!”
Megan: Do you believe in ESP and seeing the future?
Wanda: Oh yes. In fact, my uncle had a terrible accident because he didn't pay attention to the signs.
Megan: Really?
Wanda: Yeah, especially the signs Stop and No Left Turn.
Jokin' Around
From the Loopy Library
What do the following books have in common?
Blood Clots
The Hermit on the Hill
The Frozen Airplane Propeller
Wanda Always Stays Home
They never “circulate.”
“The doctor said I should drink my medicine after a warm bath.”
“And did you?”
“I'm not finished drinking the warm bath yet!”
“That cat just hissed at me!”
“Better watch out.”
“But you told me your cat was friendly.”
“It is, but that's not my cat.”
Trent: Down at the bus stop, everyone is hunting for a few quarters some guy dropped.
Karl: I suppose you were looking around, too.
Trent: No, I was just standing there with my foot on the quarters.
Teacher: Do you believe in sharing, Alex?
Alex: Yes, ma'am.
Teacher: What's something you share with your brother?
Alex: Our parents.
“The doctor said I should take these pills on an empty stomach.”
“That's right.”
“But they keep getting stuck in my belly-button.”
Mother: Jimmy, will you please sit up straighter?
Jimmy: If I sat up any straighter I'd be standing.
WATT'S THE PROBLEM? (LIGHT BULB JOKES)
How many grandmothers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, one to powder it, and one to diaper it.
How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to write long, boring papers about it.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But the light bulb has really got to want to change.
How many gangsters does it take to change a light bulb?
“Twelve. You gotta problem with that?”
How many Martians does it take to change a light bulb?
“What's a light bulb?”
How many cranky old men does it take to change a light bulb?
“Why change the light bulb? Everybody liked the old light bulb!”
How many wizards does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want the light bulb to change into.
How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They like their light bulbs dead.
How many seabirds does it take to change a light bulb?
About four or five terns ought to do the trick.
PICTO-LAUGH #7
A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about a bug on wheels!
ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH
Teacher: Jimmy, I hope I didn't see you copying Amy's test paper.
Jimmy: Boy, I hope you didn't either!
Midge and