The Everything Kids' Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers - Michael Dahl [27]
Meghan: My mom complains about everything! She bought me two new T-shirts, a red one and a yellow one, and I put on the red one for school yesterday. At breakfast my mom says, “So what's wrong with the yellow one?”Mother: Did you take a bath today?
Kyle: Why, is one missing?
Stranger: You catching any fish, kid?
Alex: Yes, sir! I caught at least twelve big ones.
Stranger: Do you know who I am? I'm the local fishing warden.
Alex: Do you know who I am? I'm the biggest liar in the county.
Mother: Your hair is starting to get wavy.
Father: Really?
Mother: Yes, it's waving goodbye!
Lisa: Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I get a new pair of shoes.
Midge: I thought that's where you got them.
Midge: I'm on a new diet and exercise program. Every morning after breakfast I go horseback riding.
Amy: Is it working?
Midge: So far the horse has lost ten pounds.
Melody: I think our neighbor Mrs. Johnson must be upset about something. She hasn't been over to visit for weeks.
Father: Find out what happened, and next time she comes over we'll try it again.
Larry: I've never had a problem with backseat driving, and I've been driving for over fifteen years.
Luna: What kind of car do you drive?
Larry: A hearse.
Thom: At my job I have a hundred men under me.
Kurt: Where do you work?
Thom: The cemetery.
Kurt: Well, at my job everyone looks up to me.
Thom: What do you do?
Kurt: I'm a kindergarten teacher.
Teacher: What is a light year?
Melody: A year with very little homework.
Rosie: What kind of fish are you frying?
Mother: Smelt.
Rosie: I sure can. But what kind of fish is it?
Doctor: Young man, you're going to need a flu shot.
Matt: Will it hurt?
Doctor: I'll be fine, but thanks for asking.
Jimmy: Where were you born?
Derek: On Rivers Avenue.
Jimmy: You're lucky you weren't run over by a bus!
Amy: The dog bit me in a very painful spot.
Rosie: Where'd he bite you?
Amy: In the backyard!
Gretchen: How does Old MacDonald spell “farm”?
Heather: E. I. E. I. O.
Troy: Excuse me, are you the head doctor here?
Doctor: No, I'm the foot doctor.
Jokin' Around
Jiggy Geography
Parasites are people from Paris Peruse are people from Peru Maracas are people from Morocco Canyons are people from Kenya Goblets are people from Turkey
Teacher: Do you know what we call the person who delivers children?
Melody: She's called Mom. She delivers me to school, to my girlfriends' houses, to the mall, to soccer practice …
Trent: That sure is cool exercise equipment.
Matt: Thanks, I got it at the gym.
Trent: Did they have a sale?
Matt: No, they had a sign that said Free Weights.
Heather: You should see my new watch. It's rust-proof, dustproof, shockproof, waterproof, and never needs batteries.
Gretchen: Cool, let's see it.
Heather: I lost it. So if you should see it, let me know!
Jimmy: My older brother Dave crashed his car into a tree going forty miles an hour.
Troy: Wow! I didn't know trees could move that fast!
Geo-Giggles
Here are the names of six states. Put them in the correct blanks to make three silly state riddles.
HINT: The pictures will give you a clue!
ELEPHANT JOKES
No one knows how or why, but about 40 years ago elephant jokes stampeded onto the scene and became extremely popular. Here are a few samples of loopy, sometimes bizarre, pachyderm humor:
Can an elephant jump higher than a house?
Of course. Houses can't jump at all.
Why do elephants lie on their back?
They like to trip low-flying birds with their feet.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter?
A pachyderm that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?
Grapes are purple.
Why did the elephants quit their job at the factory?
They were tired of working for peanuts.
What