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cultural exchange where both parties can learn about each other’s beliefs. And it is a great opportunity to explore differences and similarities for ongoing conversion efforts. For example, our Christian street-corner friends may think beer drinking is wrong, as evidenced by their warnings of eternal hellfire damnation—an obvious but not insurmountable difference from our view, which is that beer rules. And while there may be numerous opposing views such as these, there are going to be some similarities, too. Christians believe in a Heaven—floating on clouds and filled with sunshine and happiness and whatever else—with admission strictly enforced by a judgmental God, morals being a large factor in determining if the new arrival will be let in or instead face an eternal burning lake of fire. Pastafarians also believe in a Heaven, and now you see that we have a similar view that we can build upon. While it’s true that the FSM Heaven is thought to be quite different, featuring a Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory, among other attractions, these are details that don’t necessarily have to be fully disclosed right away.5

Christians make up a large percentage of the world population, so obviously we are going to be dealing with them a lot. The majority of them, unfortunately, are not out evangelizing on street corners, just waiting to be converted. Most are more conservative, preferring only to be told how to think rather than telling others how to think. At first it may seem that this group is ideal to be assimilated into the FSM religion, as we could, in theory, simply tell them new things to think. But remember, FSMism is a fundamentally different type of religion.

We don’t tell people how to think, and—we can’t say it enough—we reject dogma outright. Our principles preclude us from claiming we know any truths. Instead, we make a strong argument for our beliefs, with the realization that they could be wrong. Our beliefs are based purely on empirical observation, and so it would be dishonest to attempt to convert the conservative dogma-loving Christian populace in this way.

Also, please note that by us claiming that the majority of Christians prefer dogmatic belief to free thought, we are in no way trying to put them down or belittle their beliefs. Dogma admittedly serves a number of functions—primarily societal control—and allows followers to have a rigid set of moral and behavioral guidelines. For many people this is not only comforting but necessary—specifically for Born Agains, the majority of whom would be in jail were it not for the Church’s dogmatic message to stop doing crazy shit. I am sure I’m not alone when I say that I’d rather have the Born Agains running the school boards than stealing my car stereo for drug money. So in that respect, dogma is not all bad.

Born Again nuts aside—as far away as possible—many Christians accept the Church for legitimate reasons. In some cases, they truly believe what they’re fed as truth, and so it’s never an issue. Others accept the Church for the amount of uncomfortable thinking it allows them to avoid. And then there are some Christians who enjoy the social benefits of a dictated belief system, but at the same time don’t actually blindly accept what is presented as incontrovertible truth. These open-minded members are our most likely converts to the Church of FSM. These people will largely not accept the Bible as being literally true—for some reason finding it unlikely, for example, that the first human female was created from a rib, or that the entire earth was flooded. In short, they are Christians but have not been infected with dogma, and so are still able to think freely. They are prime candidates for conversion to FSM.

The problem, of course, is separating the moderate, open-minded Christians from the dogmatic, close-minded ones. Luckily this has already been done for us. We need only visit universities or bookstores, or similar locations—places where independent thought is held in high regard and where intelligent, educated people tend to congregate. There will be very