The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [37]
These MODERATE CHRISTIANS should require only the minimum of effort to be converted. Being open-minded and intelligent, they will quickly see the benefits of a belief system based on empirical evidence. A religion that holds one of its highest tenets to be the rejection of dogma in its entirety is one not likely to be infested by close-minded fools, and moderate Christians will appreciate this.
The sticking point, perhaps not surprisingly, may be Jesus. An all-but-ready convert who likes the ideology, and probably Pirates as well, may not let herself join because she feels a connection to the Christian Jesus. That’s understandable. And remember that it’s not our place, as Pastafarians, to tell anyone that their beliefs are wrong. Our role is simply to present our views, not to judge anyone else’s views, and certainly not to push our beliefs on others. That being said, it’s our duty to make as strong an argument as possible for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. As such, if you find yourself in a missionary position with a moderate Christian, I think it’s appropriate to note that the FSM, being all powerful, could easily have disguised Himself as Jesus and set in place the events that now form the basis of Christianity. If that’s the case—and it seems entirely plausible—converting to FSMism would be more consistent with Christianity than worshipping the FSM-placed Christian God.
And lastly, you might ask a moderate Christian a question that they’ve undoubtedly heard before. What would Jesus do?
We suggest that Jesus would have taken a look at the direction things are going and converted to FSMism. Our beliefs and rejection of dogma are much more consistent with his ideology than much of modern-day dogmatic Christianity. And we find it hard to believe that Jesus would approve of a great deal of the politics enacted ostensibly on his behalf. And he probably wouldn’t take kindly to the wars that have been fought in his name either.
WWJD?
HWCTFSM.7
BORN AGAINS present a different set of challenges. While technically belonging to the Christian faith, they are a separate entity unto themselves. We are hesitant even to refer to them as Christians, because their behavior reflects badly on the majority of Christians who are not insane.
Born Agains are the most dogmatic of all, because it is dogma itself that forms their belief system. The Born Again believes that everyone needs to be told what to do—and realistically, that’s the only thing keeping them out of jail. This group has a powerful system of beliefs, and they will tell you about it whenever they get the chance.
Because of their strong dogmatic beliefs, we do not advise going after Born Agains at this time. It is interesting to note, however, that there’s only one thing Born Agains enjoy more than telling people what to think, and that is drugs. Some time in the future, after we’ve completed the construction of our missionary Pirate Ship, we will leave trails of crack vials running from rehab clinics to the port where our Pirate Ship is docked—thus the Born Agains will be led to us, as they gobble up the crack like Pac-Man.
The last Christian group we will consider is the CHRISTIAN ATHLETE. These soldiers of God are probably more dangerous than Born Agains due to their size and stamina. They should be avoided at all costs, and only observed on television or watched from the relative safety of your seats set high in the back of an arena or stadium. Christian athletes can be seen praying in the middle of the court, field, or other playing surface after their games, and they are known for thumping their chests and pointing in the air after touchdowns, goals, or “baskets.” This unseemly sense of self-importance is disturbing, as God probably doesn’t even watch sports.8 If they think He’s actually paying attention when they “give praise” during their interviews, then they’re probably even dumber than they sound. As far as the Flying Spaghetti Monster, He is believed only to watch NASCAR and an occasional game of soccer.9 How else