The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [38]
Now that we’ve got the Christians covered, we can move on to the other religions. It is important to remember that, regardless of what you hear from many elected officials, there actually are other religions, and they will probably be around for a very long time. Let us explore further.
ISLAM is the world’s second largest religion after Christianity. Granted, we don’t see a lot of Muslims in this country, but we do see a lot of them on television. It seems that many of them live in places like Iraq and Afghanistan. This is interesting to note, because some of our greatest missionary work is taking place in these places, where there are a surprising number of Pastafarians in the military. While people believe that the president sent troops into Iraq to find WMDs, it’s pretty much been common knowledge that most of the weapons they were supposedly looking for were over in Iran and North Korea. So why did he send so many troops to the wrong country? As you know, until recently, Iraq was a country run by a secular government, under the rule of Saddam Hussein.10 High government officials in the United States predicted correctly that it would be easier to convert a secular country to Pastafarianism than it would be to convert, say, Iran. This program of bringing His Word to the people has been termed by the Pentagon as Operation Wiggly Multiappendaged Deity, or Operation WMD for short. As President Bush probably once said, “We are making progress in Iraq. But it’s going to take time.” Tune in to see how it goes.
HINDUISM is another big religion. There are millions and millions of Hindus in India. You might just show a Hindu a picture of a typical Hindu god to illustrate the extreme noodliness of his appendages. That should work.
BUDDHISM, like FSMism, is a highly peaceful religion. Buddhists practice much meditation, and we suggest that the best way to allow for them to be touched by His Noodly Appendage is simply to share His favorite meal. After a couple of healthy portions of pasta, watch the Buddhist slip into a food coma, which is very much like experiencing meditation. When he comes out of it, he will most certainly have received enlightenment.
JEWS are an interesting group to consider. They’re certainly a driven bunch, often highly educated and well connected. For the highly educated Jews, simply follow the advice given above under “Academics.” They will enjoy the empirical evidence that we provide them, and will surely adopt Pastafarianism for themselves. For Orthodox Jews, point out the tzitzit11 that they wear. Moses himself was told to wear one, and the strings do resemble His Noodly Appendages, so we can only assume that the Flying Spaghetti Monster made the suggestion in the first place. Those trendy Kabbalists wear red strings around their wrists to ward off the evil eye. Red is the color of His sauce, and string is the shape of His spaghetti, proving that even Madonna has been touched by His Noodly Appendage.
JAINISMis perhaps the ultimate pacifist religion. They don’t believe in violence of any kind. They only eat vegetables. Some of them don’t even wear clothes. They’re like the three-toed sloths of religious people. Approach them slowly, for they’re known to spontaneously burst into tears. Talk to them quietly about our nonviolent and all-inclusive policies. Don’t mention the Pirates. Offer them some vegetable Ramen. The Jains are often starving and will appreciate the food.
SHINTOISM is the official religion of Japan.12 Yet it’s interesting to note that a large percentage of Japanese people practice both Shintoism and Buddhism. This makes Shintoists an easy target. Simply suggest that they adopt a third religion: Pastafarianism. Again, offer them some Ramen. Japanese people love it.
RASTAFARIANS are loosely organized and not particularly widespread. Because a large concentration