The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [39]
SCIENTOLOGISTS are best left alone.
Hindu gods appear to be patterned after the FSM.
In summary, there are several ways to spread His Word. Depending on the location, it might be safer to post flyers, posters, brochures, etc., rather than confronting strangers. However, while anonymously planted flyers and brochures may convert a few people, they’re probably not enough to convert those with a more skeptical mind. Our religion is, after all, admittedly hard to believe at first. But no one ever said that faith was easy, and having several packs of delicious, ready-to-cook Ramen around you at all times will help. Person-to-person evangelizing is a necessary method of outreach, as there are some people who will not allow themselves to be touched by His Noodly Appendage unless you’re right there, putting it in their face.
A Final Note from Bobby Regarding Midgets
I can honestly say that I’ve received much more flak over the term midgets from fully grown (oftentimes fat) people than from “little people” themselves. One could make the argument that the little person community13 itself is not concerned with such petty matters of political correctness. And while that is a valid and probable explanation, in the name of full disclosure, I would like to note that my hearing is not the best, and that if an angry little person has ever confronted me over the term midget, I may not have noticed, as I generally look straight ahead. At any rate, until such time as a little person himself asks me to stop,14 I will continue to use the term midget as often as possible.
1. The eye patch is a constant reminder that others don’t see the world the same way we do. Not yet, at least.
2. Might be prudent to try out rehab clinics—Christians have had some success with this, with drug addicts comprising some 90 percent of Born Agains.
3. Possible exception in the ironically named “Bible belt” region of the southern United States, where most older women are well known to be alcoholics and raging lesbians. Source: Jerry Springer.
4. Gay and lesbian people are as welcome as anyone else in our church, and they are also as welcome as their straight counterparts to become clergy.
5. This is accepted practice in matters of religion. Consider the number of Scientologist eunuchs, and how the church wisely avoids mentioning up front the requirement that males donate their testicles a few years after joining.
6. Just a coincidence put in place by the FSM, we’re sure.
7. He Would Convert to FSM.
8. If anything, He should be paying attention to the news.
9. See Diego Maranara’s “Noodle of God.” Argentina vs. England, June 22, 1986.
10. Although Saddam does kind of resemble a Pirate, he most certainly is not a Pasta-farian.
11. A traditional garment with long trailing strings.
12. Coincidentally, Japan is the official country of Ramen.
13. Located primarily at the North Pole.
14. I suggest either a sign firmly attached to a meter stick, or in the unlikely but awesome occasion of two little people, please consider sitting atop the other’s shoulders. I absolutely guarantee my full attention in this case.
Pamphlets
As intrepid soldiers of the FSM, we come armed only with our faith,
numerous examples of observable evidence, and maybe some
Ramen or placards. In addition, we have pamphlets, which reduce
our message to easily digestible sound bites. Turn the page and
read on. Feel free to copy these pamphlets for your own
evangelical work. Consider them to be
extensions of His Noodly message.
RAmen
FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTERISM
Have you been touched by His Noodly Appendage?