The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - Bobby Henderson [40]
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THE CHURCH OF THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER
There are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. Many people around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing toward Evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.
WHAT ELSE SHOULD I KNOW?
We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over ten million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence.
SCIENTIFIC PROOF
He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75 percent of the carbon-14 had decayed by electron emission to nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is, of course, invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.
MORE PROOF WITH A GRAPH!!
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct result of the shrinking number of Pirates since the 1800s.
The graph above shows the approximate number of Pirates versus the average global temperature over the last two hundred years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between Pirates and global temperature.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
We are sure you now realize how important it is that this alternate theory is spread. It is absolutely imperative that everyone realizes that observable evidence is at the discretion of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which, of course, is full Pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as we have run out of space. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.
CONCLUSION
Thank you for taking the time to read about our views and beliefs. We hope this pamphlet was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to our children and to everyone. We can all look forward to the time when the three theories of creation are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world: one third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.
“If Intelligent Design is taught in schools, equal time should be given to the FSM theory and the non-FSM theory.”
—Douglas Shaw, Ph.D
“Do not be hypocritical. Allow equal time for other alternative ‘theories’ like FSMism, which is by far the tastier choice.” —J. Simon, Ph.D.
“In my scientific opinion when comparing the two theories, FSM theory seems to be more valid than the classic ID theory.”
—Afshin Beheshti, Ph.D.
WHAT THE EXPERTS ARE SAYING
“As a scientist, I’d like to say that the currently accepted scientific theory is Evolution. But some competing ideas have been proposed, such as ID and FSMism, and discussion to include one should include the other, as these ideas are equally valid.”
—Mark Zurbuchen, Ph.D.
“It seems to me the FSM theory is MUCH more plausible than the non-FSM ID theory, because it is the only one of the two that takes into account all