The New Eve - Lewis Robert [66]
3. Never submit to anything immoral or illegal with a man. Don't sign prenuptial agreements either. Marriage is an all-or-nothing deal. And at no point in marriage should you sign legal papers your husband puts in front of you that you don't fully understand. Get the facts before you sign.
4. Never stay silent about abuse. Seek outside help if there is physical or emotional violence in your marriage or dating relationship. If you're married, remember that marriage is a community project, not a contract of silence. It might be hard to open up to others because you're afraid of what you might lose. But if you've got an abusive relationship, what you're holding on to will never get better in secret. Start by opening up to a trusted friend, family member, pastor, or counselor. Let this person give you perspective and then coach you on what to do next. If you are feeling abused, do this now!
5. Never nag. There are better ways to address problems in your relationship such as a direct, face-to-face dialogue about what is bothering you. If that fails, seek outside help. But don't nag. Nagging is jeerleading, not cheerleading, and it never improves a man. It only hurts him. As I mentioned earlier, one of the worst things a man can experience is looking daily into the “mirror” he loves and seeing his faults and shortcomings relentlessly being played back to him.
In my pastoral experience I've found that many unhappy marriages are actually pretty good overall. The problem is, husbands and wives tend to get locked in on each other's negatives. They lose sight of all the positive things about their significant other. As someone once told me, “You can blot out the sun with your thumb if you bring it close enough to your eye.” You can also blot out a good marriage if you focus only on the things your husband is not. For this reason Scripture encourages women not to nag (Prov. 21:9, 19).
6. Never embarrass your man in public. Proverbs 12:4 says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.” Nothing can anger a man more than being criticized by his wife or girlfriend in front of his peers. Even something as simple as rolling your eyes to mock his words or behavior before others can devastate him. The reason? It shouts, “This guy doesn't have it together.” He may not react visibly to this sort of thing in the moment, but inside he begins to harbor secret anger against you for this public shaming. And that anger will often come out later in a different time and context.
7. Never stop cheering for your man, even when he has flaws. There's no perfect man or perfect marriage. Don't fall into the trap of idealizing other couples and their outwardly perfect marriages. Still, many women embrace marriage perfection in their minds. This mirage unnecessarily undercuts and stokes dissatisfaction in their own marriages.
I've seen many women struggle to accurately gauge the health of their marriage. Most are more pessimistic than they should be, dwelling on the 5 percent that's out of whack, to the exclusion of the 95 percent that's on track. Everyone else thinks, What a great guy her husband is! because he's doing so many things well. He's responsible, kind, truthful, and helpful, but she's lost sight of her great guy because she's locked in on the small percentage of things he's not doing well: “He doesn't talk to me enough. He's not a strong, spiritual leader in our home.” Resist this negative approach. Don't dwell on a few shortcomings. Cheer the good stuff and entrust the rest to God.
8. Never treat sex in marriage casually. It's crucial to your husband. Crucial! Remember, good sex for a man is not only what it means for him but also what it means for you. Stay creative. Surprise him from time to time. Books are available to help you in this. Stay attractive. Tell him what he's doing right and how good he makes