The New Eve - Lewis Robert [75]
“Now more than ever, I need to define and be clear about the kind of life God wants me to live before my time here is up. I don't want to miss anything He has out there for me. If I keep that kind of life in focus, I think I'll be better able to navigate this second half of my life and maximize it. In this way I'll also be able to experience the good things God still has for me. I've made some mistakes I've regretted, but that's over!”
“What about you, Brenda?” Susan asked. “What's your biggest struggle with living out the biblical ideals for womanhood?”
Brenda looked down at her card. Her worried hands had bent and folded it many times until its ragged appearance matched her spirit. Realizing this, she folded it deeper into her palm, hiding it for a moment. It was her card, her pain.
“Here's what I wrote,” she finally said, her voice breaking a little as she unfolded her card for all to see.
The group sat in silence. This was a raw moment. Brenda considered her next words carefully. Anne flashed a prayer through her mind.
“The struggles I'm facing began long ago,” Brenda said. “My home was a wreck growing up. Mom and Dad fought all the time before Dad left for good when I was five. That hurt so bad. Still does. In some sense the rest of my life has been defined by that.
“As a teen, I fell for every guy who showed interest in me. Even if I knew better, knew his character was bad, I would find myself quickly pulled into a relationship. And it was always physical. I so wanted somebody, and I thought this was the way you made it happen.”
Brenda then shared about teenage relationships that started bad and finished worse. She talked about disappointment, pain, and consequences. She even talked about abortion. She’d secretly had one in a big-city clinic before her twentieth birthday. And even though she’d confessed it to God, she had never forgiven herself.
“My first marriage was about sex and impulse—mostly impulse. You can imagine how that ended. We had a couple of kids straight out of the gate and never synced up on anything. It was total war. We both worked full-time and kept separate circles of friends. Then he started drinking heavily. I put up with it awhile, but when I discovered his other woman, I took the kids and drove until we stopped here in Raleigh. I didn't know anyone I just needed a new start in a new town where I could disappear and lick my wounds in peace.
“That's when I became a Christian. At my lowest point a stranger talked to me about Jesus, and I believed with everything in me. What happened next was amazing and in many ways freeing. I discovered a new life, made new friends, and found this church, which has been incredibly supportive. Unfortunately, I still didn't know a thing about men. The needs inside me that had driven me recklessly from man to man were still unaddressed. So I continued to bounce around from one bad relationship to the next.
“Finally, I met John. I met him here at church actually. I knew he was the one early on, but we waited awhile so I could prove to myself I wasn't being impulsive again. But look at us, we're a mess anyway,” she said, dabbing tears from her eyes. “I love John and I know he loves me, but there's friction that I really don't understand. I think a lot of the problem is that he won't take charge of the situation. We come to church and we're involved in a small group. But I can't get him to take the initiative in our relationship. It's like he just comes home and retreats to his little world in front of the TV.
“I wish he could be more like some of the men I see at church every Sunday. They're spiritual leaders who seem eager to take on their responsibilities. But I can't get John to do any of those things!”
“What are some of the good things about your husband, Brenda?” Anne wanted to know. “What is he doing well for you and the kids?”
Brenda looked as if she'd been asked to name the secretary to the third president of the