The Psychology of Dexter - Bella DePaulo [54]
If Rita’s damsel-in-distress persona was the hook, then her gentle, non-judgmental perspective was what reeled him in; it was like nothing his self-loathing had ever encountered. She assumed his goodness until proven otherwise and didn’t violate his personal boundaries or “alone time.” In fact, her acceptance of his workaholic, tightly compartmentalized lifestyle never wavered. In season four she trashed the traditional expectations and natural needs of a wife, accepting him for who he was, even if that meant having a husband who couldn’t express his love in direct, traditional ways (he showed care for the relationship by punching a neighbor who kissed her) or fulfill basic familial obligations like sticking around for major holidays (apparently sociopaths like Arthur need to die tonight instead of tomorrow).
The vast expanse of emotional space that Rita provided along with the relationship he always wanted but never thought he could have allowed him to operate with greater comfort and confidence. He fell for her in a genuine and profound way that was first overtly expressed in the office of Dr. Emmett Meridian toward the end of season one. Yes, Dexter was there to kill the “evil” psychiatrist for preying on his clinically depressed patients, but before Dexter satisfied his internal needs he opened up to the therapeutic process. He experienced a breakthrough in which his loving feelings toward Rita and true capacity for intimacy were realized. Afterward, he ran over to Rita’s house in the dead of night like Romeo to Juliet, and his leap of faith was immediately rewarded. Rita became his guide to the unchartered emotional territory of intimacy, showing him that sex and intimacy could be as appealing as blood and death.
During season two, the blissful boat of domesticity began to rock. Dexter’s frame job of ex-husband Paul was a stray shoe short of flawless, and when Rita discovered the shoe that Paul claimed fell off his foot after Dexter knocked him unconscious and dragged him out of the house, his seemingly paranoid accusations were validated. It seemed inevitable that Rita would turn Dexter in and end their relationship. But this is gentle, non-judgmental Rita we’re talking about. Despite the moral qualms inherent in keeping Paul in prison (a move that proved complicit in his death) and despite the fact that finding the shoe recast Dexter’s frequent midnight disappearances in a more ominous light, Rita chose to trust Dexter. Her we-need-to-stick-together mantra cushioned Dexter’s serious trust and intimacy issues. Quite predictably, her reaction to the “shoe debacle” only solidified her loyalty to Dexter. One can imagine many moments in which Rita might have caved. She could have betrayed Dexter for the familiar comfort of Paul (i.e., “he says he’s changed, maybe I should believe him”), or the psychological comfort of moral righteousness (i.e., “Dexter committed a crime so he’s got to go”). Even when she learned that Paul died in a prison fight, she remained in Dexter’s corner. Specifically, by exerting tremendous psychological effort, she effectively managed two overwhelming emotions: a sense of anger toward Dexter for putting Paul in prison, and a sense of guilt that she sat on the sidelines and allowed Paul to remain there.
For Dexter there were two key advantages to Rita’s discovery: First, Dexter saw the moral sacrifices that Rita made on his behalf and concluded that their relationship and his role as boyfriend must have been worth the burden for her. Second,