The School For Scandal [11]
Mrs. Candour?
MRS. CANDOUR. They'll not allow our friend Miss Vermillion
to be handsome.
LADY SNEERWELL. Oh, surely she is a pretty woman. . . .
[CRABTREE.] I am very glad you think so ma'am.
MRS. CANDOUR. She has a charming fresh Colour.
CRABTREE. Yes when it is fresh put on--
LADY TEAZLE. O fie! I'll swear her colour is natural--I have seen
it come and go--
CRABTREE. I dare swear you have, ma'am: it goes of a Night,
and comes again in the morning.
SIR BENJAMIN. True, uncle, it not only comes and goes but what's
more egad her maid can fetch and carry it--
MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha! how I hate to hear you talk so!
But surely, now, her Sister, is or was very handsome.
CRABTREE. Who? Mrs. Stucco? O lud! she's six-and-fifty if she's
an hour!
MRS. CANDOUR. Now positively you wrong her[;] fifty-two,
or fifty-three is the utmost--and I don't think she looks more.
SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! there's no judging by her looks, unless one was
to see her Face.
LADY SNEERWELL. Well--well--if she does take some pains to repair
the ravages of Time--you must allow she effects it with great
ingenuity--and surely that's better than the careless manner
in which the widow Ocre chaulks her wrinkles.
SIR BENJAMIN. Nay now--you are severe upon the widow--come--come,
it isn't that she paints so ill--but when she has finished her Face
she joins it on so badly to her Neck, that she looks like a mended
Statue, in which the Connoisseur sees at once that the Head's modern
tho' the Trunk's antique----
CRABTREE. Ha! ha! ha! well said, Nephew!
MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha! Well, you make me laugh but I vow I hate
you for it--what do you think of Miss Simper?
SIR BENJAMIN. Why, she has very pretty Teeth.
LADY TEAZLE. Yes and on that account, when she is neither speaking
nor laughing (which very seldom happens)--she never absolutely shuts
her mouth, but leaves it always on a-Jar, as it were----
MRS. CANDOUR. How can you be so ill-natured!
LADY TEAZLE. Nay, I allow even that's better than the Pains Mrs. Prim
takes to conceal her losses in Front--she draws her mouth till
it resembles the aperture of a Poor's-Box, and all her words appear
to slide out edgewise.
LADY SNEERWELL. Very well Lady Teazle I see you can be a little
severe.
LADY TEAZLE. In defence of a Friend it is but justice, but here comes
Sir Peter to spoil our Pleasantry.
Enter SIR PETER
SIR PETER. Ladies, your obedient--Mercy on me--here is the whole set!
a character's dead at every word, I suppose.
MRS. CANDOUR. I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peter--they have been
so censorious and Lady Teazle as bad as any one.
SIR PETER. That must be very distressing to you, Mrs. Candour I dare
swear.
MRS. CANDOUR. O they will allow good Qualities to nobody--not even
good nature to our Friend Mrs. Pursy.
LADY TEAZLE. What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. Codrille's
[Quadrille's] last Night?
LADY SNEERWELL. Nay--her bulk is her misfortune and when she takes
such Pains to get rid of it you ought not to reflect on her.
MRS. CANDOUR. 'Tis very true, indeed.
LADY TEAZLE. Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small whey--
laces herself by pulleys and often in the hottest noon of summer
you may see her on a little squat Pony, with her hair plaited up
behind like a Drummer's and puffing round the Ring on a full trot.
MRS. CANDOUR. I thank you Lady Teazle for defending her.
SIR PETER. Yes, a good Defence, truly!
MRS. CANDOUR. But for Sir Benjamin, He is as censorious as
Miss Sallow.
CRABTREE. Yes and she is a curious Being to pretend to be
censorious--an awkward Gawky, without any one good Point
under Heaven!
LADY SNEERWELL. Positively you shall not be so very severe.
Miss Sallow is a Relation of mine by marriage, and, as for
her Person great allowance is to be made--for, let me tell you
a woman labours under many disadvantages who tries to pass
for a girl at six-and-thirty.
MRS. CANDOUR. Tho', surely she is handsome still--and for the
MRS. CANDOUR. They'll not allow our friend Miss Vermillion
to be handsome.
LADY SNEERWELL. Oh, surely she is a pretty woman. . . .
[CRABTREE.] I am very glad you think so ma'am.
MRS. CANDOUR. She has a charming fresh Colour.
CRABTREE. Yes when it is fresh put on--
LADY TEAZLE. O fie! I'll swear her colour is natural--I have seen
it come and go--
CRABTREE. I dare swear you have, ma'am: it goes of a Night,
and comes again in the morning.
SIR BENJAMIN. True, uncle, it not only comes and goes but what's
more egad her maid can fetch and carry it--
MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha! how I hate to hear you talk so!
But surely, now, her Sister, is or was very handsome.
CRABTREE. Who? Mrs. Stucco? O lud! she's six-and-fifty if she's
an hour!
MRS. CANDOUR. Now positively you wrong her[;] fifty-two,
or fifty-three is the utmost--and I don't think she looks more.
SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! there's no judging by her looks, unless one was
to see her Face.
LADY SNEERWELL. Well--well--if she does take some pains to repair
the ravages of Time--you must allow she effects it with great
ingenuity--and surely that's better than the careless manner
in which the widow Ocre chaulks her wrinkles.
SIR BENJAMIN. Nay now--you are severe upon the widow--come--come,
it isn't that she paints so ill--but when she has finished her Face
she joins it on so badly to her Neck, that she looks like a mended
Statue, in which the Connoisseur sees at once that the Head's modern
tho' the Trunk's antique----
CRABTREE. Ha! ha! ha! well said, Nephew!
MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! ha! ha! Well, you make me laugh but I vow I hate
you for it--what do you think of Miss Simper?
SIR BENJAMIN. Why, she has very pretty Teeth.
LADY TEAZLE. Yes and on that account, when she is neither speaking
nor laughing (which very seldom happens)--she never absolutely shuts
her mouth, but leaves it always on a-Jar, as it were----
MRS. CANDOUR. How can you be so ill-natured!
LADY TEAZLE. Nay, I allow even that's better than the Pains Mrs. Prim
takes to conceal her losses in Front--she draws her mouth till
it resembles the aperture of a Poor's-Box, and all her words appear
to slide out edgewise.
LADY SNEERWELL. Very well Lady Teazle I see you can be a little
severe.
LADY TEAZLE. In defence of a Friend it is but justice, but here comes
Sir Peter to spoil our Pleasantry.
Enter SIR PETER
SIR PETER. Ladies, your obedient--Mercy on me--here is the whole set!
a character's dead at every word, I suppose.
MRS. CANDOUR. I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peter--they have been
so censorious and Lady Teazle as bad as any one.
SIR PETER. That must be very distressing to you, Mrs. Candour I dare
swear.
MRS. CANDOUR. O they will allow good Qualities to nobody--not even
good nature to our Friend Mrs. Pursy.
LADY TEAZLE. What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. Codrille's
[Quadrille's] last Night?
LADY SNEERWELL. Nay--her bulk is her misfortune and when she takes
such Pains to get rid of it you ought not to reflect on her.
MRS. CANDOUR. 'Tis very true, indeed.
LADY TEAZLE. Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small whey--
laces herself by pulleys and often in the hottest noon of summer
you may see her on a little squat Pony, with her hair plaited up
behind like a Drummer's and puffing round the Ring on a full trot.
MRS. CANDOUR. I thank you Lady Teazle for defending her.
SIR PETER. Yes, a good Defence, truly!
MRS. CANDOUR. But for Sir Benjamin, He is as censorious as
Miss Sallow.
CRABTREE. Yes and she is a curious Being to pretend to be
censorious--an awkward Gawky, without any one good Point
under Heaven!
LADY SNEERWELL. Positively you shall not be so very severe.
Miss Sallow is a Relation of mine by marriage, and, as for
her Person great allowance is to be made--for, let me tell you
a woman labours under many disadvantages who tries to pass
for a girl at six-and-thirty.
MRS. CANDOUR. Tho', surely she is handsome still--and for the