The School For Scandal [22]
People that speak truth generally do. But these
are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be bought
without paying for't!
SIR OLIVER. Well, but what security could you give? You have
no land, I suppose?
CHARLES. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the bough pots
out of the window!
SIR OLIVER. Nor any stock, I presume?
CHARLES. Nothing but live stock--and that's only a few pointers
and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all
with any of my connections?
SIR OLIVER. Why, to say the truth, I am.
CHARLES. Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle
in the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest
expectations?
SIR OLIVER. That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your
expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than you can tell.
CHARLES. Oh, no!--there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm
a prodigious favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything.
SIR OLIVER. Indeed! this is the first I've heard of it.
CHARLES. Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't you,
Moses?
MOSES. Oh, yes! I'll swear to't.
SIR OLIVER. Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm at Bengal.
[Aside.]
CHARLES. Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to you,
a post-obit on Sir Oliver's life: though at the same time the old
fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should
be very sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.
SIR OLIVER. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you
mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me--
for I might live to a hundred and never see the principal.
CHARLES. Oh, yes, you would! the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know,
you would come on me for the money.
SIR OLIVER. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun
you ever had in your life.
CHARLES. What! I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is too good
a life?
SIR OLIVER. No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is as hale
and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.
CHARLES. There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no,
the climate has hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver.
Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I'm told--and is so much altered
lately that his nearest relations would not know him.
SIR OLIVER. No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his
nearest relations would not know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad--ha! ha! ha!
CHARLES. Ha! ha!--you're glad to hear that, little Premium?
SIR OLIVER. No, no, I'm not.
CHARLES. Yes, yes, you are--ha! ha! ha!--you know that mends your
chance.
SIR OLIVER. But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay, some say
he is actually arrived.
CHARLES. Psha! sure I must know better than you whether he's come or
not. No, no, rely on't he's at this moment at Calcutta. Isn't he,
Moses?
MOSES. Oh, yes, certainly.
SIR OLIVER. Very true, as you say, you must know better than I,
though I have it from pretty good authority. Haven't I, Moses?
MOSES. Yes, most undoubted!
SIR OLIVER. But, Sir, as I understand you want a few hundreds
immediately, is there nothing you could dispose of?
CHARLES. How do you mean?
SIR OLIVER. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left
behind him a great quantity of massy old plate.
CHARLES. O Lud! that's gone long ago. Moses can tell you how
better than I can.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Good lack! all the family race-cups and
corporation-bowls!--[Aloud.] Then it was also supposed that his
library was one of the most valuable and compact.
CHARLES. Yes, yes, so it was--vastly too much so for a private
gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative disposition,
so I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Mercy upon me! learning that had run in the
family like an heir-loom!--[Aloud.] Pray, what has become of the
books?
CHARLES. You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Premium, for
I don't believe even Moses can direct you.
are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be bought
without paying for't!
SIR OLIVER. Well, but what security could you give? You have
no land, I suppose?
CHARLES. Not a mole-hill, nor a twig, but what's in the bough pots
out of the window!
SIR OLIVER. Nor any stock, I presume?
CHARLES. Nothing but live stock--and that's only a few pointers
and ponies. But pray, Mr. Premium, are you acquainted at all
with any of my connections?
SIR OLIVER. Why, to say the truth, I am.
CHARLES. Then you must know that I have a devilish rich uncle
in the East Indies, Sir Oliver Surface, from whom I have the greatest
expectations?
SIR OLIVER. That you have a wealthy uncle, I have heard; but how your
expectations will turn out is more, I believe, than you can tell.
CHARLES. Oh, no!--there can be no doubt. They tell me I'm
a prodigious favourite, and that he talks of leaving me everything.
SIR OLIVER. Indeed! this is the first I've heard of it.
CHARLES. Yes, yes, 'tis just so. Moses knows 'tis true; don't you,
Moses?
MOSES. Oh, yes! I'll swear to't.
SIR OLIVER. Egad, they'll persuade me presently I'm at Bengal.
[Aside.]
CHARLES. Now I propose, Mr. Premium, if it's agreeable to you,
a post-obit on Sir Oliver's life: though at the same time the old
fellow has been so liberal to me, that I give you my word, I should
be very sorry to hear that anything had happened to him.
SIR OLIVER. Not more than I should, I assure you. But the bond you
mention happens to be just the worst security you could offer me--
for I might live to a hundred and never see the principal.
CHARLES. Oh, yes, you would! the moment Sir Oliver dies, you know,
you would come on me for the money.
SIR OLIVER. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome dun
you ever had in your life.
CHARLES. What! I suppose you're afraid that Sir Oliver is too good
a life?
SIR OLIVER. No, indeed I am not; though I have heard he is as hale
and healthy as any man of his years in Christendom.
CHARLES. There again, now, you are misinformed. No, no,
the climate has hurt him considerably, poor uncle Oliver.
Yes, yes, he breaks apace, I'm told--and is so much altered
lately that his nearest relations would not know him.
SIR OLIVER. No! Ha! ha! ha! so much altered lately that his
nearest relations would not know him! Ha! ha! ha! egad--ha! ha! ha!
CHARLES. Ha! ha!--you're glad to hear that, little Premium?
SIR OLIVER. No, no, I'm not.
CHARLES. Yes, yes, you are--ha! ha! ha!--you know that mends your
chance.
SIR OLIVER. But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over; nay, some say
he is actually arrived.
CHARLES. Psha! sure I must know better than you whether he's come or
not. No, no, rely on't he's at this moment at Calcutta. Isn't he,
Moses?
MOSES. Oh, yes, certainly.
SIR OLIVER. Very true, as you say, you must know better than I,
though I have it from pretty good authority. Haven't I, Moses?
MOSES. Yes, most undoubted!
SIR OLIVER. But, Sir, as I understand you want a few hundreds
immediately, is there nothing you could dispose of?
CHARLES. How do you mean?
SIR OLIVER. For instance, now, I have heard that your father left
behind him a great quantity of massy old plate.
CHARLES. O Lud! that's gone long ago. Moses can tell you how
better than I can.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Good lack! all the family race-cups and
corporation-bowls!--[Aloud.] Then it was also supposed that his
library was one of the most valuable and compact.
CHARLES. Yes, yes, so it was--vastly too much so for a private
gentleman. For my part, I was always of a communicative disposition,
so I thought it a shame to keep so much knowledge to myself.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Mercy upon me! learning that had run in the
family like an heir-loom!--[Aloud.] Pray, what has become of the
books?
CHARLES. You must inquire of the auctioneer, Master Premium, for
I don't believe even Moses can direct you.