The School For Scandal [23]
MOSES. I know nothing of books.
SIR OLIVER. So, so, nothing of the family property left, I suppose?
CHARLES. Not much, indeed; unless you have a mind to the family
pictures. I have got a room full of ancestors above: and if you
have a taste for old paintings, egad, you shall have 'em a bargain!
SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the devil! sure, you wouldn't sell your
forefathers, would you?
CHARLES. Every man of them, to the best bidder.
SIR OLIVER. What! your great-uncles and aunts?
CHARLES. Ay, and my great-grandfathers and grandmothers too.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Now I give him up!--[Aloud.] What the plague,
have you no bowels for your own kindred? Odd's life! do you take me
for Shylock in the play, that you would raise money of me on your own
flesh and blood?
CHARLES. Nay, my little broker, don't be angry: what need you care,
if you have your money's worth?
SIR OLIVER. Well, I'll be the purchaser: I think I can dispose of
the family canvas.--[Aside.] Oh, I'll never forgive him this! never!
Re-enter CARELESS
CARELESS. Come, Charles, what keeps you?
CHARLES. I can't come yet. I'faith, we are going to have a sale
above stairs; here's little Premium will buy all my ancestors!
CARELESS. Oh, burn your ancestors!
CHARLES. No, he may do that afterwards, if he pleases. Stay,
Careless, we want you: egad, you shall be auctioneer--so come
along with us.
CARELESS. Oh, have with you, if that's the case. I can handle
a hammer as well as a dice box! Going! going!
SIR OLIVER. Oh, the profligates! [Aside.]
CHARLES. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one.
Gad's life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the business?
SIR OLIVER. Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think
it a rare joke to sell one's family by auction--ha! ha!--[Aside.]
Oh, the prodigal!
CHARLES. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should
he get assistance, if he can't make free with his own relations?
[Exeunt.]
SIR OLIVER. I'll never forgive him; never! never!
END OF THE THIRD ACT
ACT IV
SCENE I.--A Picture Room in CHARLES SURFACE'S House
Enter CHARLES, SIR OLIVER, MOSES, and CARELESS
CHARLES. Walk in, gentlemen, pray walk in;--here they are, the family
of the Surfaces, up to the Conquest.
SIR OLIVER. And, in my opinion, a goodly collection.
CHARLES. Ay, ay, these are done in the true spirit of portrait-
painting; no volontiere grace or expression. Not like the works
of your modern Raphaels, who give you the strongest resemblance,
yet contrive to make your portrait independent of you; so that
you may sink the original and not hurt the picture. No, no;
the merit of these is the inveterate likeness--all stiff and
awkward as the originals, and like nothing in human nature besides.
SIR OLIVER. Ah! we shall never see such figures of men again.
CHARLES. I hope not. Well, you see, Master Premium, what a domestic
character I am; here I sit of an evening surrounded by my family. But
come, get to your pulpit, Mr. Auctioneer; here's an old gouty chair
of my grandfather's will answer the purpose.
CARELESS. Ay, ay, this will do. But, Charles, I haven't a hammer;
and what's an auctioneer without his hammer?
CHARLES. Egad, that's true. What parchment have we here? Oh,
our genealogy in full. [Taking pedigree down.] Here, Careless,
you shall have no common bit of mahogany, here's the family tree
for you, you rogue! This shall be your hammer, and now you may
knock down my ancestors with their own pedigree.
SIR OLIVER. What an unnatural rogue!--an ex post facto parricide!
[Aside.]
CARELESS. Yes, yes, here's a list of your generation indeed;--
faith, Charles, this is the most convenient thing you could have
found for the business, for 'twill not only serve as a hammer,
but a catalogue into the bargain. Come, begin--A-going, a-going,
a-going!
CHARLES. Bravo, Careless! Well, here's my great uncle, Sir Richard
Ravelin, a marvellous