The School For Scandal [24]
good general in his day, I assure you.
He served in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and got that cut
over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium?
look at him--there's a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your
modern clipped captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals,
as a general should be. What do you bid?
SIR OLIVER. [Aside to Moses.] Bid him speak.
MOSES. Mr. Premium would have you speak.
CHARLES. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I'm sure
that's not dear for a staff-officer.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard
for ten pounds!--[Aloud.] Very well, sir, I take him at that.
CHARLES. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard.--Here, now,
is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller,
in his best manner, and esteemed a very formidable likeness.
There she is, you see, a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall
have her for five pounds ten--the sheep are worth the money.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value
on herself!--[Aloud.] Five pounds ten--she's mine.
CHARLES. Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here, now, are two that were
a sort of cousins of theirs.--You see, Moses, these pictures were done
some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair.
SIR OLIVER. Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a little
lower in those days.
CHARLES. Well, take that couple for the same.
MOSES. 'Tis a good bargain.
CHARLES. Careless!--This, now, is a grandfather of my mother's,
a learned judge, well known on the western circuit,--What do you
rate him at, Moses?
MOSES. Four guineas.
CHARLES. Four guineas! Gad's life, you don't bid me the price
of his wig.--Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack;
do let us knock his lordship down at fifteen.
SIR OLIVER. By all means.
CARELESS. Gone!
CHARLES. And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt,
Esquires, both members of Parliament, and noted speakers; and, what's
very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever
bought or sold.
SIR OLIVER. That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take them at
your own price, for the honour of Parliament.
CARELESS. Well said, little Premium! I'll knock them down at forty.
CHARLES. Here's a jolly fellow--I don't know what relation, but
he was mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds.
SIR OLIVER. No, no; six will do for the mayor.
CHARLES. Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two aldermen
here into the bargain.
SIR OLIVER. They're mine.
CHARLES. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But,
plague on't! we shall be all day retailing in this manner;
do let us deal wholesale: what say you, little Premium?
Give me three hundred pounds for the rest of the family in the lump.
CARELESS. Ay, ay, that will be the best way.
SIR OLIVER. Well, well, anything to accommodate you; they are mine.
But there is one portrait which you have always passed over.
CARELESS. What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee?
SIR OLIVER. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him so
ill-looking a little fellow, by any means.
CHARLES. What, that? Oh; that's my uncle Oliver! 'Twas done
before he went to India.
CARELESS. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be friends,
Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever
I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance!
an inveterate knave, depend on't. Don't you think so, little Premium?
SIR OLIVER. Upon my soul, Sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a
looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle
Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?
CHARLES. No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow
has been very good to me, and, egad, I'll keep his picture while I've
a room to put it in.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] The rogue's my nephew after all!--[Aloud.]
But, sir, I have somehow taken a fancy
He served in all the Duke of Marlborough's wars, and got that cut
over his eye at the battle of Malplaquet. What say you, Mr. Premium?
look at him--there's a hero! not cut out of his feathers, as your
modern clipped captains are, but enveloped in wig and regimentals,
as a general should be. What do you bid?
SIR OLIVER. [Aside to Moses.] Bid him speak.
MOSES. Mr. Premium would have you speak.
CHARLES. Why, then, he shall have him for ten pounds, and I'm sure
that's not dear for a staff-officer.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard
for ten pounds!--[Aloud.] Very well, sir, I take him at that.
CHARLES. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard.--Here, now,
is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller,
in his best manner, and esteemed a very formidable likeness.
There she is, you see, a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall
have her for five pounds ten--the sheep are worth the money.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value
on herself!--[Aloud.] Five pounds ten--she's mine.
CHARLES. Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here, now, are two that were
a sort of cousins of theirs.--You see, Moses, these pictures were done
some time ago, when beaux wore wigs, and the ladies their own hair.
SIR OLIVER. Yes, truly, head-dresses appear to have been a little
lower in those days.
CHARLES. Well, take that couple for the same.
MOSES. 'Tis a good bargain.
CHARLES. Careless!--This, now, is a grandfather of my mother's,
a learned judge, well known on the western circuit,--What do you
rate him at, Moses?
MOSES. Four guineas.
CHARLES. Four guineas! Gad's life, you don't bid me the price
of his wig.--Mr. Premium, you have more respect for the woolsack;
do let us knock his lordship down at fifteen.
SIR OLIVER. By all means.
CARELESS. Gone!
CHARLES. And there are two brothers of his, William and Walter Blunt,
Esquires, both members of Parliament, and noted speakers; and, what's
very extraordinary, I believe, this is the first time they were ever
bought or sold.
SIR OLIVER. That is very extraordinary, indeed! I'll take them at
your own price, for the honour of Parliament.
CARELESS. Well said, little Premium! I'll knock them down at forty.
CHARLES. Here's a jolly fellow--I don't know what relation, but
he was mayor of Norwich: take him at eight pounds.
SIR OLIVER. No, no; six will do for the mayor.
CHARLES. Come, make it guineas, and I'll throw you the two aldermen
here into the bargain.
SIR OLIVER. They're mine.
CHARLES. Careless, knock down the mayor and aldermen. But,
plague on't! we shall be all day retailing in this manner;
do let us deal wholesale: what say you, little Premium?
Give me three hundred pounds for the rest of the family in the lump.
CARELESS. Ay, ay, that will be the best way.
SIR OLIVER. Well, well, anything to accommodate you; they are mine.
But there is one portrait which you have always passed over.
CARELESS. What, that ill-looking little fellow over the settee?
SIR OLIVER. Yes, sir, I mean that; though I don't think him so
ill-looking a little fellow, by any means.
CHARLES. What, that? Oh; that's my uncle Oliver! 'Twas done
before he went to India.
CARELESS. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be friends,
Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever
I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance!
an inveterate knave, depend on't. Don't you think so, little Premium?
SIR OLIVER. Upon my soul, Sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a
looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle
Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?
CHARLES. No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. The old fellow
has been very good to me, and, egad, I'll keep his picture while I've
a room to put it in.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] The rogue's my nephew after all!--[Aloud.]
But, sir, I have somehow taken a fancy