The School For Scandal [36]
I believe mine is the true one for all that.
LADY SNEERWELL. I am more interested in this Affair than they
imagine--and must have better information.--
[Exit.]
SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! Lady Sneerwell's alarm is very easily accounted
for.--
CRABTREE. Yes yes, they certainly DO say--but that's neither here
nor there.
MRS. CANDOUR. But pray where is Sir Peter at present----
CRABTREE. Oh! they--brought him home and He is now in the House,
tho' the Servants are order'd to deny it----
MRS. CANDOUR. I believe so--and Lady Teazle--I suppose attending
him----
CRABTREE. Yes yes--and I saw one of the Faculty enter just before
me----
SIR BENJAMIN. Hey--who comes here----
CRABTREE. Oh, this is He--the Physician depend on't.
MRS. CANDOUR. O certainly it must be the Physician and now we shall
know----
Enter SIR OLIVER
CRABTREE. Well, Doctor--what Hopes?
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye Doctor how's your Patient?
SIR BENJAMIN. Now Doctor isn't it a wound with a small sword----
CRABTREE. A bullet lodged in the Thorax--for a hundred!
SIR OLIVER. Doctor!--a wound with a small sword! and a Bullet
in the Thorax!--oon's are you mad, good People?
SIR BENJAMIN. Perhaps, Sir, you are not a Doctor.
SIR OLIVER. Truly Sir I am to thank you for my degree If I am.
CRABTREE. Only a Friend of Sir Peter's then I presume--but, sir,
you must have heard of this accident--
SIR OLIVER. Not a word!
CRABTREE. Not of his being dangerously wounded?
SIR OLIVER. The Devil he is!
SIR BENJAMIN. Run thro' the Body----
CRABTREE. Shot in the breast----
SIR BENJAMIN. By one Mr. Surface----
CRABTREE. Aye the younger.
SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely
in your accounts--however you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously
wounded.
SIR BENJAMIN. Oh yes, we agree in that.
CRABTREE. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt in that.
SIR OLIVER. Then, upon my word, for a person in that Situation,
he is the most imprudent man alive--For here he comes walking
as if nothing at all was the matter.
Enter SIR PETER
Odd's heart, sir Peter! you are come in good time I promise you,
for we had just given you over!
SIR BENJAMIN. 'Egad, Uncle this is the most sudden Recovery!
SIR OLIVER. Why, man, what do you do out of Bed with a Small Sword
through your Body, and a Bullet lodg'd in your Thorax?
SIR PETER. A Small Sword and a Bullet--
SIR OLIVER. Aye these Gentlemen would have kill'd you without Law
or Physic, and wanted to dub me a Doctor to make me an accomplice.
SIR PETER. Why! what is all this?
SIR BENJAMIN. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the Story of the Duel
is not true--and are sincerely sorry for your other Misfortune.
SIR PETER. So--so--all over the Town already! [Aside.]
CRABTREE. Tho', Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame
to marry at all at your years.
SIR PETER. Sir, what Business is that of yours?
MRS. CANDOUR. Tho' Indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a Husband,
he's very much to be pitied.
SIR PETER. Plague on your pity, Ma'am, I desire none of it.
SIR BENJAMIN. However Sir Peter, you must not mind the Laughing
and jests you will meet with on the occasion.
SIR PETER. Sir, I desire to be master in my own house.
CRABTREE. 'Tis no Uncommon Case, that's one comfort.
SIR PETER. I insist on being left to myself, without ceremony,--
I insist on your leaving my house directly!
MRS. CANDOUR. Well, well, we are going and depend on't, we'll
make the best report of you we can.
SIR PETER. Leave my house!
CRABTREE. And tell how hardly you have been treated.
SIR PETER. Leave my House--
SIR BENJAMIN. And how patiently you bear it.
SIR PETER. Friends! Vipers! Furies! Oh that their own Venom
would choke them!
SIR OLIVER. They are very provoking indeed, Sir Peter.
Enter ROWLEY
ROWLEY. I heard high words: what has ruffled you Sir Peter--
SIR PETER. Pshaw what signifies asking--do I ever pass a Day
without my Vexations?
LADY SNEERWELL. I am more interested in this Affair than they
imagine--and must have better information.--
[Exit.]
SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! Lady Sneerwell's alarm is very easily accounted
for.--
CRABTREE. Yes yes, they certainly DO say--but that's neither here
nor there.
MRS. CANDOUR. But pray where is Sir Peter at present----
CRABTREE. Oh! they--brought him home and He is now in the House,
tho' the Servants are order'd to deny it----
MRS. CANDOUR. I believe so--and Lady Teazle--I suppose attending
him----
CRABTREE. Yes yes--and I saw one of the Faculty enter just before
me----
SIR BENJAMIN. Hey--who comes here----
CRABTREE. Oh, this is He--the Physician depend on't.
MRS. CANDOUR. O certainly it must be the Physician and now we shall
know----
Enter SIR OLIVER
CRABTREE. Well, Doctor--what Hopes?
MRS. CANDOUR. Aye Doctor how's your Patient?
SIR BENJAMIN. Now Doctor isn't it a wound with a small sword----
CRABTREE. A bullet lodged in the Thorax--for a hundred!
SIR OLIVER. Doctor!--a wound with a small sword! and a Bullet
in the Thorax!--oon's are you mad, good People?
SIR BENJAMIN. Perhaps, Sir, you are not a Doctor.
SIR OLIVER. Truly Sir I am to thank you for my degree If I am.
CRABTREE. Only a Friend of Sir Peter's then I presume--but, sir,
you must have heard of this accident--
SIR OLIVER. Not a word!
CRABTREE. Not of his being dangerously wounded?
SIR OLIVER. The Devil he is!
SIR BENJAMIN. Run thro' the Body----
CRABTREE. Shot in the breast----
SIR BENJAMIN. By one Mr. Surface----
CRABTREE. Aye the younger.
SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely
in your accounts--however you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously
wounded.
SIR BENJAMIN. Oh yes, we agree in that.
CRABTREE. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt in that.
SIR OLIVER. Then, upon my word, for a person in that Situation,
he is the most imprudent man alive--For here he comes walking
as if nothing at all was the matter.
Enter SIR PETER
Odd's heart, sir Peter! you are come in good time I promise you,
for we had just given you over!
SIR BENJAMIN. 'Egad, Uncle this is the most sudden Recovery!
SIR OLIVER. Why, man, what do you do out of Bed with a Small Sword
through your Body, and a Bullet lodg'd in your Thorax?
SIR PETER. A Small Sword and a Bullet--
SIR OLIVER. Aye these Gentlemen would have kill'd you without Law
or Physic, and wanted to dub me a Doctor to make me an accomplice.
SIR PETER. Why! what is all this?
SIR BENJAMIN. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the Story of the Duel
is not true--and are sincerely sorry for your other Misfortune.
SIR PETER. So--so--all over the Town already! [Aside.]
CRABTREE. Tho', Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame
to marry at all at your years.
SIR PETER. Sir, what Business is that of yours?
MRS. CANDOUR. Tho' Indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a Husband,
he's very much to be pitied.
SIR PETER. Plague on your pity, Ma'am, I desire none of it.
SIR BENJAMIN. However Sir Peter, you must not mind the Laughing
and jests you will meet with on the occasion.
SIR PETER. Sir, I desire to be master in my own house.
CRABTREE. 'Tis no Uncommon Case, that's one comfort.
SIR PETER. I insist on being left to myself, without ceremony,--
I insist on your leaving my house directly!
MRS. CANDOUR. Well, well, we are going and depend on't, we'll
make the best report of you we can.
SIR PETER. Leave my house!
CRABTREE. And tell how hardly you have been treated.
SIR PETER. Leave my House--
SIR BENJAMIN. And how patiently you bear it.
SIR PETER. Friends! Vipers! Furies! Oh that their own Venom
would choke them!
SIR OLIVER. They are very provoking indeed, Sir Peter.
Enter ROWLEY
ROWLEY. I heard high words: what has ruffled you Sir Peter--
SIR PETER. Pshaw what signifies asking--do I ever pass a Day
without my Vexations?