The School For Scandal [6]
you--you'll
be handed down to Posterity, like Petrarch's Laura, or Waller's
Sacharissa.
SIR BENJAMIN. Yes Madam I think you will like them--when you shall
see in a beautiful Quarto Page how a neat rivulet of Text shall
meander thro' a meadow of margin--'fore Gad, they will be the most
elegant Things of their kind--
CRABTREE. But Ladies, have you heard the news?
MRS. CANDOUR. What, Sir, do you mean the Report of----
CRABTREE. No ma'am that's not it.--Miss Nicely is going to be
married to her own Footman.
MRS. CANDOUR. Impossible!
CRABTREE. Ask Sir Benjamin.
SIR BENJAMIN. 'Tis very true, Ma'am--everything is fixed and the
wedding Livery bespoke.
CRABTREE. Yes and they say there were pressing reasons for't.
MRS. CANDOUR. It cannot be--and I wonder any one should believe
such a story of so prudent a Lady as Miss Nicely.
SIR BENJAMIN. O Lud! ma'am, that's the very reason 'twas believed
at once. She has always been so cautious and so reserved, that
everybody was sure there was some reason for it at bottom.
LADY SNEERWELL. Yes a Tale of Scandal is as fatal to the Reputation
of a prudent Lady of her stamp as a Fever is generally to those
of the strongest Constitutions, but there is a sort of puny sickly
Reputation, that is always ailing yet will outlive the robuster
characters of a hundred Prudes.
SIR BENJAMIN. True Madam there are Valetudinarians in Reputation
as well as constitution--who being conscious of their weak Part,
avoid the least breath of air, and supply their want of Stamina
by care and circumspection--
MRS. CANDOUR. Well but this may be all mistake--You know,
Sir Benjamin very trifling circumstances often give rise to
the most injurious Tales.
CRABTREE. That they do I'll be sworn Ma'am--did you ever hear
how Miss Shepherd came to lose her Lover and her Character
last summer at Tunbridge--Sir Benjamin you remember it--
SIR BENJAMIN. O to be sure the most whimsical circumstance--
LADY SNEERWELL. How was it Pray--
CRABTREE. Why one evening at Mrs. Ponto's Assembly--the conversation
happened to turn on the difficulty of breeding Nova-Scotia Sheep
in this country--says a young Lady in company[, "]I have known
instances of it[--]for Miss Letitia Shepherd, a first cousin of mine,
had a Nova-Scotia Sheep that produced her Twins.["--"]What!["] cries
the old Dowager Lady Dundizzy (who you know is as deaf as a Post),
["]has Miss Letitia Shepherd had twins["]--This Mistake--as you may
imagine, threw the whole company into a fit of Laughing--However
'twas the next morning everywhere reported and in a few Days believed
by the whole Town, that Miss Letitia Shepherd had actually been
brought to Bed of a fine Boy and Girl--and in less than a week
there were People who could name the Father, and the Farm House
where the Babies were put out to Nurse.
LADY SNEERWELL. Strange indeed!
CRABTREE. Matter of Fact, I assure you--O Lud! Mr. Surface pray
is it true that your uncle Sir Oliver is coming home--
SURFACE. Not that I know of indeed Sir.
CRABTREE. He has been in the East Indies a long time--you can
scarcely remember him--I believe--sad comfort on his arrival
to hear how your Brother has gone on!
SURFACE. Charles has been imprudent Sir to be sure[;] but I hope
no Busy people have already prejudiced Sir Oliver against him--
He may reform--
SIR BENJAMIN. To be sure He may--for my Part I never believed him
to be so utterly void of Principle as People say--and tho'
he has lost all his Friends I am told nobody is better spoken of--
by the Jews.
CRABTREE. That's true egad nephew--if the Old Jewry was a Ward
I believe Charles would be an alderman--no man more popular there,
'fore Gad I hear He pays as many annuities as the Irish Tontine
and that whenever He's sick they have Prayers for the recovery
of his Health in the synagogue--
SIR BENJAMIN. Yet no man lives in greater Splendour:--they tell me
when He entertains his Friends--He can sit down to dinner with
a dozen of his own Securities, have a
be handed down to Posterity, like Petrarch's Laura, or Waller's
Sacharissa.
SIR BENJAMIN. Yes Madam I think you will like them--when you shall
see in a beautiful Quarto Page how a neat rivulet of Text shall
meander thro' a meadow of margin--'fore Gad, they will be the most
elegant Things of their kind--
CRABTREE. But Ladies, have you heard the news?
MRS. CANDOUR. What, Sir, do you mean the Report of----
CRABTREE. No ma'am that's not it.--Miss Nicely is going to be
married to her own Footman.
MRS. CANDOUR. Impossible!
CRABTREE. Ask Sir Benjamin.
SIR BENJAMIN. 'Tis very true, Ma'am--everything is fixed and the
wedding Livery bespoke.
CRABTREE. Yes and they say there were pressing reasons for't.
MRS. CANDOUR. It cannot be--and I wonder any one should believe
such a story of so prudent a Lady as Miss Nicely.
SIR BENJAMIN. O Lud! ma'am, that's the very reason 'twas believed
at once. She has always been so cautious and so reserved, that
everybody was sure there was some reason for it at bottom.
LADY SNEERWELL. Yes a Tale of Scandal is as fatal to the Reputation
of a prudent Lady of her stamp as a Fever is generally to those
of the strongest Constitutions, but there is a sort of puny sickly
Reputation, that is always ailing yet will outlive the robuster
characters of a hundred Prudes.
SIR BENJAMIN. True Madam there are Valetudinarians in Reputation
as well as constitution--who being conscious of their weak Part,
avoid the least breath of air, and supply their want of Stamina
by care and circumspection--
MRS. CANDOUR. Well but this may be all mistake--You know,
Sir Benjamin very trifling circumstances often give rise to
the most injurious Tales.
CRABTREE. That they do I'll be sworn Ma'am--did you ever hear
how Miss Shepherd came to lose her Lover and her Character
last summer at Tunbridge--Sir Benjamin you remember it--
SIR BENJAMIN. O to be sure the most whimsical circumstance--
LADY SNEERWELL. How was it Pray--
CRABTREE. Why one evening at Mrs. Ponto's Assembly--the conversation
happened to turn on the difficulty of breeding Nova-Scotia Sheep
in this country--says a young Lady in company[, "]I have known
instances of it[--]for Miss Letitia Shepherd, a first cousin of mine,
had a Nova-Scotia Sheep that produced her Twins.["--"]What!["] cries
the old Dowager Lady Dundizzy (who you know is as deaf as a Post),
["]has Miss Letitia Shepherd had twins["]--This Mistake--as you may
imagine, threw the whole company into a fit of Laughing--However
'twas the next morning everywhere reported and in a few Days believed
by the whole Town, that Miss Letitia Shepherd had actually been
brought to Bed of a fine Boy and Girl--and in less than a week
there were People who could name the Father, and the Farm House
where the Babies were put out to Nurse.
LADY SNEERWELL. Strange indeed!
CRABTREE. Matter of Fact, I assure you--O Lud! Mr. Surface pray
is it true that your uncle Sir Oliver is coming home--
SURFACE. Not that I know of indeed Sir.
CRABTREE. He has been in the East Indies a long time--you can
scarcely remember him--I believe--sad comfort on his arrival
to hear how your Brother has gone on!
SURFACE. Charles has been imprudent Sir to be sure[;] but I hope
no Busy people have already prejudiced Sir Oliver against him--
He may reform--
SIR BENJAMIN. To be sure He may--for my Part I never believed him
to be so utterly void of Principle as People say--and tho'
he has lost all his Friends I am told nobody is better spoken of--
by the Jews.
CRABTREE. That's true egad nephew--if the Old Jewry was a Ward
I believe Charles would be an alderman--no man more popular there,
'fore Gad I hear He pays as many annuities as the Irish Tontine
and that whenever He's sick they have Prayers for the recovery
of his Health in the synagogue--
SIR BENJAMIN. Yet no man lives in greater Splendour:--they tell me
when He entertains his Friends--He can sit down to dinner with
a dozen of his own Securities, have a