Vixen Manual - Karrine Steffans [101]
You’ve been lying to yourself.
He’s been flirting and/or cheating.
It takes a strong and confident woman to be able to step away, knowing better options will always lie ahead.
Make sure you don’t allow what went wrong in this relationship to scar you, thereby affecting your future relationships.
Choose to be alert and decisive, all the wiser for your rich emotional journey.
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Chapter Forty-three
Breaking Up
They say breaking up is hard to do, yet it’s done every second of every day, all over the world. The truth is, breaking up isn’t hard to do at all, not nearly as hard as it’s made out to be. It’s the getting through the aftermath of a breakup that can turn into rocket science. While there are amicable breakups, in most instances one partner walks away much more wounded than the other, surrounded by a fog of collateral hurt that seems as though it will never end. The key to the art of breaking up is to be able to deal with it and move on, hopefully with a friendship still intact. It’s even possible to emerge with a newfound sense of independence, greater wisdom about what it takes to be in a relationship, and a more refined concept of what you want in a partner. Still, even as I write this, I know that breaking up is much easier said than done. In many cases, it feels downright impossible.
I’ve always been aware of my desire to be intensely in love. As a result, I love hard. I’m both capable of and willing to fall apart and completely lose all sense and reason when a relationship no longer works. It’s not unusual after a breakup to find me on the bathroom floor with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and my mobile phone, drunk-dialing exes to see who would take me back, or, at the very least, patch the newly gaping wound in my heart.
What I know for sure is that when a woman has herself together—when she has met her own needs emotionally, physically, monetarily, and otherwise—she is better equipped to handle life’s rough patches and unexpected losses, including the exits of boyfriends and husbands. Goals, principles, power, and all other subjects covered in previous and following chapters become essential to a woman’s survival in times of peace and in times of emotional warfare. There is no way that a man who is worth anything will want a woman who is worthless to herself and cannot weather something as basic and common as a breakup.
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Vixen Say What?
If you are not empowered enough to stand alone, how will you stand with a man?
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Most of us are looking for the fairy tale, but what if the fairy tales have got it all wrong? What if we’ve been duped into believing that “happily ever after” and waking from eternal sleep can come only with the prince? After years of being fed such pap, it’s no wonder so many of us have a hard time recovering, once the fairy-tale rug is yanked out from underneath us and we realize there’s not going to be a “happily ever after” for our relationship. We end up growing bitter, carrying around baggage from one failed relationship to the next. Resurrecting whatever friendship the doomed romance was built on becomes an even more daunting task, if not impossible, as we can’t bear the thought of being platonic with someone for whom we still carry a torch. How can you be his friend and hear him talk about other women, or (God forbid!) someone he becomes serious about, when you still have leftover love? Being unable to move forward in friendship with an ex is one of the most unfortunate aspects of a bad breakup. For one, we end up missing out on the opportunity to learn from the experience. Also, by discarding all the love we had in our heart for a person we once swore we would love forever, we end up throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.
My philosophy has always been that the best revenge is success and happiness. It’s also true that success and happiness are key components on the road to recovery when a breakup has shattered your faith and esteem. It may take you several months to get out of bed and back into the world again.