Vixen Manual - Karrine Steffans [109]
Then there’s the nomad. Like a snail, all he owns is on his back. He lives in his best friend’s garage, and though he may work hard, he has very little to show for it. He lives in squalor, but he always has time and money to waste on romantic field trips to his favorite eatery on the beach or a Las Vegas casino. How can you not love this guy? He’s such an adventurer!
And let’s not forget Mr. Nice Guy. He’s so nice, he’s a pushover, not just for you but for everyone in his life. You’re attracted to his kindness at first, until you realize he’s got little or no fight in him. As your respect for him evaporates, you find yourself being rude to him and discounting him as a man.
These men aren’t exactly what you need, yet you somehow keep finding yourself with one of them, time after time. The problem is that you’re dating according to what’s best for you in the short term and not according to what’s best for you in the long run. When you take short-term gambles like this, the risk can be very, very high. There’s the potential for you to lose it all. Even when that happens, when it all falls apart, you still tend to blame the man. He did this, you gripe, or he didn’t do that. Perhaps he was never the problem. You can’t blame someone for being themselves, but you can blame yourself for dating them. We’ve all heard that saying about the definition of crazy being someone who does the same thing over and over again but expects a different result each time. If you never had a name for what you were doing, now you know, which means that now it’s time to stop acting crazy.
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Vixen Tip
Go through your phone book and find the names of the men you have dated or have been interested in. Write a brief description of each next to his name, just a word or two, or the reason why you were attracted to them. From A to Z, be honest with yourself and look for a pattern. Whatever that pattern is, steer clear of it. That is the pattern of your past, empty, or failed relationships.
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Let’s start, ladies, by listening to these men when they tell us who they are and what they want. I can’t emphasize that enough, which is why I’ve done so throughout this book. Men tell you what they want. A man who says “I can’t stand kids” probably means it. You can’t trick a man like this into fathering a child. You’re only going to end up with a baby you’re raising alone and a deadbeat dad. A man who says “I don’t know if I’ll ever get married” isn’t jockeying for you to convince him of all the merits of matrimony. He just made a major statement: “I’m not interested in permanent commitment.” Did you hear him? And if you did, and you know you want to be married, why are you still hanging around?
How many times have we dated men who were emotionally unavailable, then complained when they didn’t show concern for the relationship? What about the times we dated men who were verbally abusive, then cried when they yelled obscenities at us? Yes, he’s a jerk for yelling at you, but you signed up for this. Unless, that is, he’s holding you hostage, in which case, you should see the prior chapter. If he’s literally holding you hostage and has you locked in a basement, try to find a phone and call the police. No matter what, this man is not good for you. You know it. It’s time we started acting with our heads and not from that visceral place where we remember sweet pipe tobacco and muscled limbs from the past that evoke wistful feelings. We should use practical thinking, planning, and assessment to determine who is and isn’t suitable for us. Listen to your intuition. We always know when something’s not right. You were given that intuition for a reason. Let it be your guide, a sort of internal GPS system, if you will. If something is telling you to not make that right turn and go out with that bad boy, don’t do it. Go left. Get away from there. You’ll thank yourself for it in the end.