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way to run him off. If you’re constantly complaining about your back fat and the mole—sorry, the “beauty mark”—on the side of your neck, then all he’s going to see when he looks at you is a giant mole with back fat! We all have things we believe are imperfections, but nothing in this world is imperfect if you believe in God. How can anything be ugly if He made it? If you don’t believe in God, then the least you can do is believe in yourself. You are imperfect only if you say and believe you are. Words have power. There’s no quicker way to bring something to pass than talking it up over and over again. As I’ve emphasized through this book, people treat you how you let them, and they also pay close attention to the way you treat yourself.

There are also those internal worries that, when given power, can grind your relationship into the dirt. If you’ve experienced infidelity in the past, odds are you’re expecting to experience it again and will project that expectation onto your new relationship. Every time your man runs to the store for a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk, you’ll swear he’s off cavorting with your saucy next-door neighbor. Heaven help him if he’s a few minutes late returning from work. He must be having an affair! Forget the fact that there was an accident on the freeway and he had to stop for gas on the way home. Liar! you insist, even though he can prove there was an accident because they’re showing it on the news. Bullshit! you cry. That was just a convenient cover for his infidelity!

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Vixen Tip

Ask the people closest to you what they would say your insecurities are. Take note and be aware of the times these insecurities surface. The most surefire way to not show your shortcomings is to learn to be silent and still at a time you feel like attacking your spouse. Give yourself a timeout, the same you would a child, then revisit the issues when you have calmed down and found your rationale. And, as always, venting with a girlfriend is superhelpful. Some issues actually exist and others are created in your head. Be sure to decipher the difference.

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Your man just might be cheating. It’s always possible. Chances are, however, he’s not. We all have a tendency to allow leftover issues from bad relationships to spill into new ones. Do you have emotional insecurities in your current relationship based on the dirty deeds of past lovers? Perhaps your dad cheated on your mom before the big divorce, and you bore witness to it. Or— and how’s this for a spin—maybe you’re the one who’s been unfaithful, either in this relationship or ones in the past, and your conscience is eating away at you. That’s what happens with cheaters. The guilt tears at them, and they’re constantly accusing others, all the while looking over their shoulders because they karmically expect to have dirt done to them as payback for them doing so much dirt.

If you find that you still haven’t dealt with all the negative issues from your past, take the time to tackle them head-on before you jump into another relationship. Address why you fear being abandoned or cheated on, or have trust issues. More important, learn to trust yourself. Talk to a therapist, if need be. There’s nothing wrong with seeking their help. If you’re not comfortable with seeing a therapist, discuss your fears with close friends, ones who are encouraging and supportive, not those who will continue to feed your fears.

Whatever you do, don’t let your insecurity fester. Left unchecked, it will only grow and, potentially, reach the point to where you become completely self-destructive in relationships, sabotaging all opportunities for finding happiness and love. Seek ways to build up your confidence. Start small, by congratulating yourself for what might seem like even the most insignificant accomplishments, like making it all the way through a workout at the gym, putting together your first dinner party for friends, or starting—and finishing—a celebrated book you’ve always wanted to read but felt intimidated by because of its size or lofty subject matter.