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By Root 446 0

my goals became clearer and my first five-year plan was devised. Between the ages of twenty-five and thirty, I was determined to utilize associates in media to help draw attention to myself in order to obtain my first publishing contract; I would become a best-selling author, jump-starting a new career and making enough money to buy my first home. Also included in my five-year plan was the intention to begin saving for my retirement and for my son’s education. For that brief moment in time, I was saving all my love for me and treating myself with the same care and consideration I would have usually given an undeserving male or a casual sex partner. Instead of looking for a man to make me whole, I was working hard at becoming self-contained and content so that when the right man came along he would find a complete woman, not a woman looking to be completed.

* * *

Recap

Sex is the easiest thing in the world to get—but nothing that easy can be worth having.

Everything about men becomes a part of us as they move around inside our most private personal space.

It’s difficult to talk a man into being your life partner after months or years of noncommittal sex.

You shouldn’t be afraid of what it means to be a woman, and part of that means understanding that we are wired to feel an emotional connection with a sexual partner, especially one who makes a repeat appearance.

Having a reputation is a hard stain to remove.

There’s nothing sexier than a woman who can have sex but won’t.

* * *

Chapter Five

Independence vs. Loneliness

Since entering into the realm of publishing, I have been introduced to not only a new business, but to lots of businesswomen. These are women who followed the independent woman’s blueprint: get your education, don’t get pregnant (if you can avoid it), graduate at the top of your class, find a respectable career and not just a job, and be independent, not relying on a man in order to make a successful living. Well, it’s a nice little blueprint—in theory. I’m not so sure how much practical application it has for long-term happiness overall. As one woman in publishing so bluntly put it one day over the phone, “I should’ve been a hoe! I should’ve just not listened to my mama and been a damn hoe!”

Now maybe that statement was a little harsh—and you’ll see me reference it again in a later chapter; that’s just how much of an impact it made on me—but I understood the gist of what she meant, given the conversation we were having. There she was, an accomplished woman with her own property in the heart of Manhattan, her own financial stability, a college degree, and a fabulous career in publishing. She followed the independent woman’s blueprint and got everything she set out for. Now in her forties, having achieved much of what that blueprint dictated, she could no longer ignore the obvious: she didn’t have someone to share it all with. Sure, there was her dog, Mr. Sniffles, and he was nice and cuddly and awful cute, but as she listened to the ticktocking of her biological clock, she knew Mr. Sniffles would never be enough. She longed for more.

In between all the studying and sticking to the blueprint, she forgot to make the time to fall in love, find a mate, and start a family, all the things she was now longing for once she entered her forties. She’s not the only woman I’ve heard this story from. I have come across plenty of businesswomen who have reached amazing heights in their education, career, and even in their personal lives as single women. Then one day, they look around and there’s no one there but them. Even though they have the most spacious apartment in the city, there’s no room for anyone else. They’ve built a life that only they can fit into.

The thing about independence is that too much of it can be a bad thing. Since the nineteen sixties and the advent of the women’s movement, we’ve been taught and encouraged to assume what have historically been very masculine roles. There are many of us who grew up without fathers and were taught by our mothers to make it on our own,