Vixen Manual - Karrine Steffans [48]
A woman who is an asset has great resilience, able to weather and recover from even the most challenging of adversities. She’s built of tough stuff and knows it, which is why she has taken the time to establish her own identity, be resolute about her principles and self-defined moral compass, and has pursued her own dreams, not merely supported the dreams of others. Even though she may have the primal need for family and not feel fulfilled unless she’s in a relationship, she never sacrifices herself for the sake of her family and her man. To do so would be doing them a terrible disservice.
We get it so wrong sometimes, ladies. We believe that we must give up ourselves for the betterment of our man, our relationship, or our children. Nothing could be more wrong. The best way for us to serve those we love is to make sure we are living within our fullest potential. Only then can we meet their needs on an optimum level. Only then can we be the true assets that they, and we, deserve.
In the long run, it is you who will be the first teacher and primary example for your children and, in many ways, for your spouse. They are constantly watching you and the way you conduct your life, taking their lead from you, even though it may not seem that way. If they see that you are a quitter, quick to abandon goals at the first hint of resistance, if they find that you are easily persuaded from ideals and values, two things will happen: their respect for you will diminish, and, more important when it comes to your children, they may pick up this same type of quitter’s mind-set. How can you convince your children to pursue a higher education if they know you dropped out of college and never went back? How can you convince them that they can be anything they want in life if they watch you toil and sweat in a miserable low-paying job as though you have no options? If those around you see that you will settle for less yourself, that is what they will give you and that might be who they become as well.
Throughout the first twenty-six years of my life, all of my relationships were built on the obvious fact that I was never for one moment a woman who valued herself enough to realize and activate her assets. A man can smell a liability from miles away. I found myself doing what other women in my family had done for years—waiting for a man to save my life, all the while feeding off the assets of others. I don’t just mean financial assets, either, but their sense of pride and confidence. I felt good being around people who, seemingly, had their lives together, especially since mine was not. It seemed like the perfect plan, as if I could somehow, by osmosis, absorb some of their self-esteem just from being near them. From the time I was in high school, I was impressed by important careers and titles. The more powerful the person, the more I wanted to be around them.
This grand plan of mine to be around impressive, dynamic people all the time was faulty from the start. What would happen once those people had other things to do, things I couldn’t participate in? I was setting myself up for becoming a person who didn’t know how to be alone.
This was a major factor in my relationship with my son’s father and the reason why, even though he was physically, verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive, I stayed. If I had been more of an asset to myself, I would have never wound up in such a relationship in the first place. Even if he had been charming enough to fool me into getting into a relationship with him, the moment his true intentions were unveiled, I would have been able to leave. My principles and values would have guided me to do so. It took two weeks after the day we met for him to slap me. It took four years for me to walk away. Now, more than ten years later, no one can even look at me crossly without me walking out the door and