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Eventually, after all that dating and numbering and ranking and carrying on has reached its saturation level, you will have to decide which suitor fits you best. Determining which one is good for a lifetime versus which one is only good for, well, a good time, may not be such an easy decision to make. How will you ever decide?

From my experience, the decision, though not an easy one to make, is really quite cut-and-dried. After dating several men for an extended period of time, the man you choose to share your life with should be the one who loves you and cares for and about you, not regardless of who you are and have been, but because of it. The man for you brings you chicken soup when you’re sick, throws your used tissues away without flinching, and curls up next to you at night, unconcerned with his own health. He is the man who loves the children that are not biologically his. He loves whoever you love and defends your honor, no matter the consequence. Your dogs, your bird, your mother, and your quirky drunk uncle—if you love them, he loves them and makes them his own.

In traditional marriage vows, we promise to love and support one another, whether rich or poor, in sickness or in health, but most of us never take the time to imagine the “poor and sickly” part of that promise. Those days are just as possible as the “rich and healthy” ones. The man you choose should be able to imagine those days and, even further, imagine sharing them with you, being a pillar and a source of strength and resolve; and you should be able to do the same. Substantial, long-term relationships are built on times of trouble and lean, not just of flourish.

Any couple can flourish when they are unchallenged. Any guy can be expected to stay when times are always good. Not every man listed on your dance card will be able to supply that need—the stick-to-it-iveness—that’s required of a long-term, trusting relationship. You may have to go through several versions of your dance card before finding the right man who can.

Once you have made this decision and are sure you’ve chosen the right man, you may still find your heart attached to another. Maybe it’s the funny guy who made you laugh until your stomach hurt, or the spontaneous guy who swept you off your feet with surprise picnics at the beach. Every man has something to offer, and each relationship has the potential to teach you something about life, love, and yourself. Enjoy these experiences, but at the end of the day, really put into perspective which one will love you at your worst and celebrate you at your best. Love alone cannot be all there is. Love as an emotion, no matter how genuine, is incomplete without love as an action. There may be days when you wonder if you’ve made the right decision, and moments when you’ll swear you’re ready to walk out the door and go back to an ex. There may be days when you actually do. Before you make your final decision, however, ask yourself these questions, listed in the Vixen Tip below.

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Vixen Tip

These are the love-of-your-life requirements.

1. Does he love your child(ren)?

2. Does he love and accept everything about you, past and present?

3. Is he proud of and not threatened by your accomplishments?

4. Does he motivate you to be better versus tearing you down?

5. Does he have a strong sense of spirituality?

6. How does he interact with his family, especially his mother?

7. Is his social circle and lifestyle conducive with your own?

8. Do you share the same or similar goals and life strategies?

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It’s always easy to imagine smooth sailing when thinking about an ex. You’ll only remember the good times, not the reason an ex is your ex. Trust me, there’s a reason he’s your ex, and the moment you get back with him, if you dare to go that far, you’ll remember it. If you’ve found a man who loves and cares for you in every way, it’s unrealistic to expect that there won’t be challenges. Work through them. That’s the only way you and he will build a strong foundation on which