Vixen Manual - Karrine Steffans [81]
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Recap
He needs you to back the hell up every once in a while.
It’s good for him to get away.
The worst thing you can do is make a man feel trapped or backed into a corner.
Once your partner realizes that you trust him to come and go, you just might find that he comes and goes even less.
When he gets back, make sure to show him what he was missing.
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Chapter Thirty-two
Encouraging His Manhood
(aka Stroking His Ego)
Baby talk. Sexy coaxing. You know what I’m talking about. We’ve all done it before. After enlisting your man’s help to rearrange the furniture, you stand back and watch, cheering him on with such lines as, “Daddy, you’re so strong. I love your body.” Or after watching him answer number Forty-two Down on the notoriously difficult New York Times Sunday crossword, you pipe in with a rousing, “You’re so smart, baby! I would have never guessed that.” The truth is, you could’ve moved that furniture all by yourself, and number Forty-two Down wasn’t really that hard. But a man needs encouragement and praise, especially from the woman he loves. Your man needs to feel needed and it’s your job to make that happen.
Saying these things doesn’t require you to be disingenuous. You don’t have to feel like you’re lying in order to make your man feel good. It’s been proven time and again that words have power, and positive reinforcement can bring forth positive results. Tell a man he’s strong enough times for him to believe it, and you’ll have a man eager to show you his strength in every way. Repetition is how we come to believe the things we believe, for better or for worse. If you repeatedly tell a man he’s worthless, hoping it will result in him manning up and becoming a winner, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. His confidence will become so eroded under your hurtful words it will diminish to the point of nothing, or he’ll become so fed up with you being a constant source of negativity, he’ll leave. Remember the Law of Diffusion. He will head for an area of low concentration, away from the stress—and away from you.
It’s always easier for us to encourage our men when things are going well, but what happens when you hit a rough patch in the relationship? What if one (or both) of you suddenly comes under enormous stress? Suppose your man loses his job? A man’s sense of worth is often tied to how he makes his living. He can be at his most fragile emotionally when he finds himself unemployed. The worst thing you can do is attack him at this time. This is when he needs you most. Choose your words carefully. Deliver them in a way to show support without diminishing his manhood. “Don’t worry, babe, we have enough money coming in to take care of things until we find something new and even better” is much more desirable than saying, “I’m prepared to carry the household until you find another job.” Sure, they both mean the same thing, but the first statement allows him to still feel empowered, employing the word we repeatedly to show that you are with him during this difficult time. The second statement sounds like you’ve become the man (“I’m prepared to carry the household”) and will handle it until he can be a man again (“until you find another job”). Of course, that’s not what you’re saying, but that’s what he’ll hear.
A man needs to feel encouraged especially when he perceives himself as a failure. He should be reminded that you still see him as the strong, desirable figure that made him attractive to you in the first place. Do not emasculate him by reminding him that you’re the one who has to pick up his slack in instances like these. He will only resent you for it.
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Vixen Tip
Every chance you get, reassure your mate that he is the most wonderful man you’ve ever known. Comment on even the most simple of gestures or articles; tell him how great those jeans look on him or how turned on you are by the way the corners of his mouth turn up when he smiles. Stand or lay very