Vixen Manual - Karrine Steffans [89]
That’s not to say people can’t make mistakes, because they do. His cheating might truly be an isolated incident. Look at the circumstances and decide if you’re willing to live with them. Just know that when it comes to cheating, acceptance can be the equivalent of a green light. By sticking around, you’ve essentially given him permission to rake you over the coals.
As I’ve already mentioned, the possibility of this can be minimized by doing your homework before getting involved with a man. Meet his friends. Watch how he interacts with them. Pay attention to the things he talks about with his male friends. Do they like to brag about their conquests? Are his buddies cheating on their girlfriends? Does your potential man allow himself to be an alibi for their whereabouts? If so, that might mean his friends do the same thing for him. There’s truth in the saying “Birds of a feather flock together.” What kind of relationship does he have with his exes? Are there legions of women around town who can’t stand him and think he’s a dog? Ask him to let you talk to one or more of them. If he balks, do a little investigating on your own. If you are able to find one of his ex-girlfriends, introduce yourself. See if you can find out, from her perspective, what kind of person he is. You don’t have to take her word as gospel. She might very well be the reason they broke up, or she may have her own reasons for cutting him down to you, including that she wants that cheater back in her life. Still, it doesn’t hurt to ask questions.
A good man is not usually a bad breaker-upper. He should have healthy friendships with former girlfriends and wholesome friendships with his closest friends that don’t include condoning cheating. If he learns that one of his boys is being disrespectful to his woman, he’s usually the voice of reason, trying to encourage his friend to do right. This is the kind of man you want. You definitely don’t want the kind of man who’ll provide an alibi for a cheating buddy.
Don’t ignore the warning signs. Set the bar high. Decide early on that cheating will never be acceptable for either of you in your relationship. And that doesn’t apply to just sex. There is emotional infidelity, the kind where your man confides in a female friend about issues in your relationship, thus building a bond with her that should rightfully be yours. Emotional infidelity can be even more damaging and far-reaching than sexual infidelity. Men are capable of having sex with someone and having it prove meaningless. We don’t always understand how they can do this, but it happens with them all the time. They’re socialized that way. When they make an emotional connection with someone else, however, it involves a transference of feelings that divides his interests and drives a wedge between you. Make it clear from the beginning that this is a no-no, both for you and for him.
Once you’ve found a good man, make sure you have open dialogue about your expectations of each other. Be sure your man agrees with you not just about physical infidelity, but about how dangerous emotional infidelity can be to your relationship. This is critical, because if he doesn’t—or, even worse, if he insists that it’s harmless to confide in women friends outside your relationship—he’ll ultimately find himself on a path that leads to cheating, whether he’s aware of it or not.
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Recap
Cheaters say things early on that give them away.
Cheaters are, at their core, disrespectful, self-centered, and unconcerned about the hurt they cause.
Don’t just accept a man’s word for who he is, especially if you hear rumors of his past behavior or he already has a reputation for being unfaithful.
If you accept cheating and stay, you’ll have made an unwritten agreement to stay if it happens again.
A good man is