Vixen Manual - Karrine Steffans [9]
Casual sex comes with an enormous amount of baggage, and I don’t mean the adorable vintage Louis Vuitton trunk-set type. It’s more the free-duffel-bag-with-purchase they burden you with at department stores just because you bought a lipstick. You end up stuck with an unstylish piece of luggage that makes you look bad and, pretty soon, is full of holes. Being a woman who has had more than my share of casual sex and all the subsequent pitfalls, headaches, and ridiculously negative consequences, I am a believer that casual sex requires too much energy for so little return. Every time I found myself with a homie-lover-friend, I found myself alone at the end and the emotional toll was never worth the physical ecstasy. Never. I began to look around during holidays and birthdays, good times and bad, and there I would be—alone—unless I was being the good-time girl, the casual sex recipient, the jump-off, the homegirl. No matter what name we gave it, no matter how close the friendships, the sex was always meaningless and the consequences were always dire. I was never a life partner, never a wife. I needed more. Damn it, I deserved more!
Sometimes we feel we have to have sex like men in order to be perceived as sexually astute. We pretend as if having a man crawl on top of us and shoving himself inside our bodies, panting and sweating without much focus on any further intimacy other than our bodies connecting, is no big deal. It is. The sexual act is an invasive process. Our bodies don’t just touch a man’s when we copulate. We actually take them in. Everything about men becomes a part of us as they move around inside our most private personal space. It’s a huge deal, ladies, and if we acted as if it were a huge deal, there would be no talk of “having sex like a man.” There would just be sex, pure and simple, between two conscious, consenting human beings.
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Vixen Tip
Don’t be afraid to be a lady and to take an old-fashioned approach to z taught you old-fashioned ways, talk to an elder woman about the way things used to be. Ask questions of your grandmothers and even of your grandfathers. Watch old movies such as An Affair to Remember (1957), Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961), How to Marry a Millionaire (1953), Carmen Jones (1954), and Gone with the Wind (1939). Learn from women with grace and dignity, like Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis and Coretta Scott King. These films and people are studies of the way ladies represented themselves and were treated. Don’t be intimidated by today’s diminished standards, and don’t start believing you can’t be as refined as women in earlier generations. Proper posturing, appropriate language, coyness, and restraint are traits we could all stand to inherit. Then, allow these old but new, gentler habits to seep into your ideas about sex. When you present yourself as a lady, you will be treated as such, and ladies don’t go around just giving it up. A lady makes a man work, and work damn hard, for every morsel of affection.
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Anyone who has ever taken Anatomy 101, or knows how men and women are physically constructed, understands that the act of copulation is internal for women and external for men. Think of it like this: it’s impossible for a woman to be emotionally disengaged once she has sex with a man for the simple reason that he enters her body and, literally, lays among her organs—the very instruments that keep her alive and give her the gift of life. This is personal, extremely personal. There’s no disconnecting from something this intrusive, no matter how much you try to convince yourself you can.
When a woman’s internal organs are injured from something that goes horribly awry during, or as a result of, sex, her ability to procreate can be ruined altogether. The primary male sexual organ—the penis—is on the outside of his body. And while it may endure its share of bumps and bruises, a reckless swatting of the penis doesn’t have to mean a man can’t father children anymore. Ladies, this sex thing is serious business!
Once you’ve been someone’s casual sex