Vixen Manual - Karrine Steffans [92]
Trust me, ladies, I understand that you’re human and in need of affection and intimacy. But what I also understand is that in this sexually adventurous age, we spend most of our sexual life on people who do not truly love us. The act of loving is so much deeper than most of us realize or ever experience. It is not just an emotion but also a way of being. It is a decision, a vow. If you don’t make a decision about the value you place on yourself and your emotions, you can and will probably be violated somehow. I’m not trying to make it sound like you’re the reason for the bad behavior of the men in your life. That is certainly not true. Some people just aren’t good people, no matter what you do or who you are. But if you pay attention and are thinking clearly, you’ll be able to spot a person like this a mile away. If you are not so desperate, so lacking in self-confidence, empowerment, and worth, then you should be able to sift through the men who do not mean you well. Even the most duplicitous people cannot hide their intentions for long. There are always some indications, if your awareness is heightened. It’s up to you to vet the men who come into your life. Don’t be afraid to ask honest questions. If he runs off as a result of being interrogated, then he probably has something to hide. Ask about his past relationships. Pay close attention to how he deals with his mother, sisters, ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, and his children. Does he keep his word? What kind of reputation does he have? All these things speak to the character of an individual. Make sure your eyes are open. Heed all the signs. So many of us carry youthful gullibility into adulthood, leaving room for gross misjudgments and titanic mistakes that can easily set us back years.
When I became fed up with the way my personal life was going, I sat myself down and figured out why I was not getting the results that I so desperately wanted—not just from the men in my life but from myself. I made the lists I’ve spoken of throughout this book, plus a few other lists of what I wanted from my future. I organized my thoughts and pulled back from dating for almost a year. I elected celibacy during this period. I had to so that I could stay focused and keep a clear sight of my goals. It’s possible that if you find your vision for yourself blurred by all the chaos in your life brought on from ill planning and unsuitable mates, this strategy can work for you. Back away from dating, including sex. Spend more time getting to know yourself. Demand respect by respecting yourself first. This is a tried-and-true method of finding what you truly want out of life and from a man.
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Recap
All men are not dogs.
Dogs are attracted to bitches.
If you don’t have your shit together, men will treat you like shit.
If we don’t know how to demand respect, love, appreciation, and care, then even the most well-meaning man will be unable to meet those needs for us.
A man defines how he will treat you based on consistent results he receives from his actions with you.
Don’t be afraid to ask honest questions.
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Chapter Thirty-eight
The Other Woman
The smell of a perfume you don’t own, the strand of hair that’s a different color from yours, the smudged lipstick on his collar in a shade you would never wear—you know the signs, so unmistakable they’re practically a cliché. There’s another woman in the picture and your man has been with her. You feel as if you’ve been sucker-punched in the throat, and once you recover, your first instinct is to go for blood. You are officially a woman scorned. Okay. Now what?
You cry, you scream, you throw