Vixen Manual - Karrine Steffans [93]
Unlike family, we choose our mates; they are not assigned to us. The man who chose you can unchoose you (and vice versa, of course). People change their minds all the time, and sometimes there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. You might believe you’re still in a functioning relationship because, in your mind, he’s still the one, but that doesn’t mean all is well with him. Did you see the signs? Were you even paying attention? There are always clues, whether you want to acknowledge them or not. Is it honorable of him to begin consorting with another woman before ending his relationship with you? Of course not. Is it honorable of you to stay? Only if you believe you’re of little worth. Any self-respecting woman who knows her value would send him and all his perfumed, lipstick-stained clothes packing. As I’ve continually stated throughout this book, a woman of worth refuses to settle for less than she deserves.
When there is another woman involved, the foundations of trust and love between you and your (now ex) man, if they were ever there to begin with, are no longer stable. Everything he says to you becomes suspect because he’s already told you at least one very big lie. It is very difficult to rebuild trust once it has been breached on this level. The potential is high for your esteem to suffer as a result of such a blow, which can affect other areas of your life outside of the relationship. During this time, it’s critical that you take care of you. This person you thought of as your man has already shown that he’s thinking only of himself. Enlist the aid of family and your closest friends to provide emotional support to help you keep it together in the face of what can be one of the most crushing situations a woman can experience.
As for this duplicitous man, there is nothing you can do to him that will make matters any better. The more adversely you react, the more likely you are to help him justify his behavior. He’ll say, “See, this is why I can’t be around you anymore. You’re crazy!” Duplicitous men love using the “crazy” clause as a reason for their lies and infidelity. Let your silence be your sword. Say nothing so that he’ll have nothing to defend. Leave him looking like a jerk. Your friends will surround you with love, practically making you a martyr. He will be perceived as a no-good cheat. Yes, that’s an extreme simplification of things and may not be totally accurate, but it does help when it comes to getting over him. If you were anywhere near the sort of partner I’ve been suggesting in prior chapters—one who has goals, dignity, power, and position—you will be able to stand in confidence, knowing that while you were in the relationship, you did your best and treated him with honesty and respect.
Our natural instinct, when injured, is to close ourselves off to future experiences, but don’t take this course. It’s the express route to bitterness and will set you on a path of nothing but failed expectation after failed expectation. Draw near to those you trust. Open your heart to them; cry, purge, air your grievances. If they are smart, evolved women like yourself, they will comfort and reassure you that this is all a part of the human journey, but it’s not reason enough to never again open your heart to a man. Whatever you do, don’t vent all this with your ex. Don’t give him that kind of power. He doesn’t deserve it and may very well mock or betray your trust even more. A man who cannot stand by his word and commitments isn’t worth your time and emotions. He should never be able to say he’s seen you lose